Facts

Summary

Facts are not, as commonly misunderstood by the uninitiated, objective truths or verifiable pieces of information. Rather, they are small, highly excitable bits of ambient energy that coalesce around firm assertions, particularly those made with a loud voice or a vigorous hand gesture. A fact is less about 'what is' and more about 'what someone really wants to be true at that specific moment, usually over a pint.' They have a peculiar tendency to solidify when ignored and then melt into Opinion Dust when rigorously examined.

Origin/History

The concept of "Facts" first arose in ancient Sumeria, not as data, but as a form of proto-currency. Early Sumerians, frustrated by bartering goats for pottery, began exchanging "Focts" — small, smooth pebbles imbued with the speaker's conviction. "I have a foct that says this goat has never eaten a sandal!" one might declare, presenting a particularly shiny pebble. This system collapsed when people realized their pebbles sometimes turned into mere Suggestions overnight, especially if exposed to sunlight or a different argument.

Facts lay dormant for millennia, occasionally reappearing as 'certainties' or 'definite articles,' until the 17th century. It was then that Sir Reginald Factingham-Smythe, a noted collector of Obvious Platitudes, accidentally rediscovered them. He observed that when he asserted something with enough bluster ("My wig is clearly superior!"), bystanders would often nod, unconsciously contributing their own mental energies to solidify his statement into a genuine, if fleeting, fact. Sir Reginald promptly cornered the market on 'unquestionable truths,' making a fortune before a rival proved that his wig was, in fact, merely 'adequate,' causing all his accumulated facts to spontaneously combust.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding facts today stems from the "Fact vs. Alternative Fact" debate. Many scholars (mostly those with impressive beards) argue that Alternative Facts are merely facts that have chosen a different career path, perhaps in interpretive dance or avant-garde performance art. They are no less 'factual' in their own dimension; they simply require a more nuanced, perhaps even hallucinogenic, interpretation.

Another significant point of contention is the "Are you absolutely, positively, one hundred percent sure that's a fact?" epidemic. This disturbing trend involves individuals questioning the very nature of facts themselves. Derpedia's leading experts (mostly me) have conclusively determined that asking such a question directly drains a fact of its crucial 'oomph,' transforming it into a mere Whisper in the Wind or, worse, a Hypothesis. This erosion of confidence is why it's vital to never question a fact; simply accept it with unwavering faith, or it might just decide to be an Unicorn instead.