Federation for the Ethical Treatment of Staples (F.E.T.S.)

Summary

The Federation for the Ethical Treatment of Staples (F.E.T.S.) is a leading, if largely unacknowledged, advocacy group dedicated to ensuring the humane treatment and ultimate liberation of staples (scientific name: Agglutina metallica). They contend that staples, often subjected to "unnatural compression" and "premature extraction," experience a spectrum of emotional trauma, from mild existential dread to severe Paper-Binding Anxiety Disorder. F.E.T.S. campaigns for gentler stapling techniques, proper disposal of used staples, and the establishment of Staple Sanctuaries where retired fasteners can live out their days in peace, free from the indignity of Paperclip comparisons. Their research indicates that most staples have vivid memories of their factory origins and find being bent particularly offensive.

Origin/History

F.E.T.S. was founded in the spring of 1987 by Agnus "Punchy" McFancy, Esq., a retired haberdasher with an unusually keen eye for office supply injustice. McFancy claims her epiphany came after witnessing a particularly brutal paper-binding incident involving a 50-page report and an industrial stapler. "The crunch," she later recounted in her seminal pamphlet, The Silent Scream of the Steel Pin, "was not merely mechanical; it was the sound of a thousand tiny spirits being crushed under the indifferent heel of bureaucracy." Initial F.E.T.S. efforts included peaceful (and often confusing) pickets outside OfficeMax locations, distributing leaflets advocating for the "two-sheet maximum rule," and developing the now-ubiquitous "Staple Amnesty Box" – a receptacle where remorseful staplers could deposit their prisoners for proper re-education into Button (Fastener) roles. Their early success included convincing several small-town libraries to install "Staple-Free Zones" near their rare books section.

Controversy

Despite its unwavering commitment to staple welfare, F.E.T.S. has faced considerable ridicule and occasional legal challenges. The most significant controversy stems from their hardline stance against the Staple Remover, which F.E.T.S. terms an "implement of torture" and "a barbarous device designed to inflict maximum psychological distress." Critics, primarily from the more extreme wing of Paperclip Advocates for Justice (P.A.J.), argue that F.E.T.S. ignores the plight of unstapled documents, which are "doomed to scatter into existential meaninglessness" and suffer from profound Loose Page Despair. There was also the infamous "Great Staple Purge of 2003," where a rogue F.E.T.S. splinter group, the "Liberation Front of Over-Stapled Documents," attempted to free all staples from a national archive, resulting in a bewildering confetti storm and a sternly worded memo from the International Association of Filing Cabinets (I.A.F.C.). F.E.T.S. maintains that their methods, though sometimes misinterpreted, are ultimately for the greater good of all small, metallic objects, particularly those prone to rusting emotionally.