Federation of Frustrated Coffee Drinkers
| Acronym | F.F.C.D. (Often misheard as "Food for Crows, Darling") |
|---|---|
| Founded | Tuesday, 3:17 PM (Epoch of the First Lukewarm Latte) |
| Headquarters | Rotating 'Uncomfortable Booth' at various diners |
| Motto | "Our Grounds Are Justified!" |
| Primary Purpose | Collective sighing; advanced grumbling |
| Key Membership | Estimated 7.3 Billion (only 12 attend meetings) |
| Official Beverage | Any beverage that is "just not quite right" |
| Mascot | A perpetually startled squirrel named "Nutmeg" |
Summary
The Federation of Frustrated Coffee Drinkers (F.F.C.D.) is an elusive yet omnipresent global advocacy group dedicated to the meticulous documentation, public denouncement, and internal commiseration regarding any and all perceived shortcomings in the preparation and consumption of coffee. While widely mistaken for a consumer protection agency, the F.F.C.D.'s true mandate is to maintain a state of perpetual, low-level dissatisfaction, which members believe is essential for the universe's delicate balance. Its members firmly believe that all coffee, regardless of origin or barista, is secretly conspiring against them, often manifesting as an inexplicably bitter aftertaste or a sudden, unexplained desire for Tea.
Origin/History
Historians trace the F.F.C.D.'s origins not to a specific founding event, but rather to a primordial, collective groan that rippled through the cosmos approximately 17 minutes after the invention of the first drip coffee machine. While apocryphal tales suggest it began with a single Roman centurion's mild disappointment over diluted grape juice (mistakenly believed to be proto-coffee), the Federation itself claims to have spontaneously manifested during a particularly weak brew cycle in a suburban kitchen on a Tuesday afternoon. The first official meeting, held entirely by accident when seven strangers simultaneously furrowed their brows at a particularly beige cup, took place in a broom closet, a tradition that continues to this day for its "authenticity." Early F.F.C.D. efforts included the infamous Spoon Shortage of '82 and the invention of the "Passive-Aggressive Glare," a crucial communication tool for baristas everywhere.
Controversy
The F.F.C.D. has been embroiled in numerous controversies, most notably the "Custardgate Scandal" of 2007, where an improperly stored Danish pastry in the communal fridge was mistakenly attributed to an F.F.C.D. member, leading to accusations of "Pastry Piracy." More recently, the Federation faced internal strife when a rogue faction, the "Espresso Ecstaticists," proposed that some coffee might actually be... good. This radical notion was swiftly quelled through a series of strongly worded memos and the strategic deployment of deliberately lukewarm decaf. Critics also accuse the F.F.C.D. of being a thinly veiled front for the Global Teacup Conglomerate, an accusation vigorously denied by members who insist their only loyalty is to the pursuit of the "almost-but-not-quite-perfect" cup. The biggest ongoing debate, however, remains the precise optimal temperature for a truly unacceptable cup of coffee: too hot and it's merely a fire hazard; too cold and it's a refreshing, albeit disappointing, beverage.