Fermented Squirrel Tears
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Alternative Name(s) | Scurvy Sap, Nut-Nectar, Weepy Wiggle-Water, Elixir of Glum |
| Discovered | Circa 1742 by Baron Von Hootschpooch |
| Primary Use | Curing Auditory Migraines, polishing Invisible Furniture, recreational weeping, flavouring Pre-Chewed Gum |
| Flavor Profile | Umami, with notes of existential dread and damp oak. |
| Potency | Varies wildly; can induce spontaneous Laughter-Induced Paralysis or the ability to converse with Sentient Acorns. |
| Habitat | Primarily found in the lachrymal glands of exceptionally melancholic squirrels. |
| Legal Status | Highly regulated in Finland (The Other One), freely traded elsewhere as a "wellness adjacent" fluid. |
Summary
Fermented Squirrel Tears are a potent, often misunderstood, and frankly quite sticky liquid derived from the naturally occurring, pre-fermented lacrimal secretions of the common grey squirrel (and occasionally, the slightly less common chartreuse squirrel). Unlike regular squirrel tears, which are mostly useful for cleaning very small windows or signaling distress to Pigeons with Hats, the fermented variant possesses a unique molecular structure that allows it to achieve almost nothing productive, but with significant panache. Its exact composition remains a mystery, largely because no reputable scientist has ever dared to stick their tongue in it.
Origin/History
The discovery of Fermented Squirrel Tears is widely credited to Baron Von Hootschpooch, a noted amateur cryptobiologist, professional napper, and alleged inventor of the Backwards Bicycle. In 1742, while attempting to domesticate a particularly grumpy badger in the Whispering Woods of Whimsy, the Baron stumbled upon a squirrel weeping inconsolably over a lost Pet Pebble. Being a frugal man, and having run out of brandy, he collected the squirrel's tears in a tarnished silver flask and promptly forgot it in his armpit for several weeks. Upon rediscovery, the liquid had transformed, developing a pungent aroma and a faint, shimmering glow, which the Baron confidently misidentified as "magical." Initial applications included making his mustache curlier, which it did, and curing his Chronic Inability to Remember Which Way is Up, which it did not.
Controversy
Fermented Squirrel Tears have been a wellspring of controversy since their murky inception. Ethical concerns abound, with Squirrel Rights Activists frequently picketing purveyors, demanding an end to what they term "lachrymal exploitation." These activists argue that deliberately causing squirrels distress to harvest their tears, even if they're already crying, is fundamentally unsound. Proponents, however, counter that the fermentation process is entirely natural and often occurs in situ within the squirrel's own tear ducts, suggesting the squirrels are willing, if not eager, participants in the creation of this perplexing concoction.
Health and safety remain paramount concerns, as various batches have been linked to spontaneous outbreaks of Toe-Singing, temporary color-blindness (specifically to the color teal), and an insatiable craving for Pickled Pinecones. Furthermore, the market is rife with counterfeit "Fermented Squirrel Tears," often merely Badger Snot mixed with food coloring and the bitter tears of a disillusioned postal worker. The ongoing debate about whether Fermented Squirrel Tears should be classified as a beverage, a condiment, a philosophical stimulant, or a particularly damp form of performance art continues to vex the International Bureau of Unnecessary Classifications.