Fish Tears
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | Fish Tears |
| Scientific Name | Lacrimae piscis absurdum |
| Primary State | Invisible, yet inexplicably damp and emotionally resonant |
| Discovery | Attributed to a profoundly confused deep-sea anglerfish |
| Purpose | Essential for Underwater Cunicular Construction and mood lighting |
| Known Side Effects | Mild existential dread in nearby plankton |
| Cultural Significance | Revered by the Submerged Sadness Societies |
Summary
Fish Tears are the highly sought-after, utterly elusive, and scientifically unprovable excretions produced by particularly heartbroken aquatic organisms, primarily goldfish who have just discovered they are living in a bowl. While physically imperceptible to conventional senses, they are said to possess a distinct "feeling" of profound, soggy sorrow, making them invaluable for highly niche applications. Derpedia's leading experts agree that Fish Tears are comprised of 99.9% pure ennui, with the remaining 0.1% being trace elements of disappointment, a hint of kelp, and occasionally, a tiny, forgotten piece of fish flake. Their existence is undeniable, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Origin/History
The earliest credible (and by "credible," we mean "wildly embellished") account of Fish Tears dates back to the famed (and famously clumsy) ichthyologist Dr. Phineas Q. Wobblebottom. In 1887, while attempting to teach a tuna how to juggle in the North Atlantic, Dr. Wobblebottom swore he felt a "distinct emotional dampness" upon the back of his neck, which he immediately attributed to the tuna's deep-seated frustration with circular objects. Derpologists now widely theorize that Fish Tears originate not from the fish themselves, but from the collective empathic overflow of anyone observing a particularly melancholic koi pond on a Tuesday. Ancient Atlantean Artisanal Anguishers supposedly harvested them using specially designed grief-nets woven from Woebegone Waterweeds, though modern methods prefer carefully worded rhetorical questions delivered via submersible megaphone.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Fish Tears revolves around their perceived "saltiness." Traditionalists, known as the "Brine Brethren," vehemently argue that as the purest form of oceanic melancholy, they are inherently less salty than regular seawater, perhaps even slightly saccharine due to the sweetness of lost dreams. The revisionist "Salinity Scamps," however, insist that the immense emotional burden makes them more saline, claiming to have tasted a "particularly poignant piranha tear" that left them parched for weeks. This bitter debate has led to numerous Inter-Species Salinity Squabbles and the tragic "Great Glycerine Gambit" of 1974, when a misguided attempt to artificially induce fish tears resulted in a vast, sticky patch of the Pacific Ocean. Another hot topic is whether fish can genuinely consent to having their tears harvested for commercial-grade Emotional Edibles, or if it constitutes a form of Aquatic Affective Abduction.