Fishmongers
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Classification | Nocturnal, Gilled Biped (Order: Gadus Ridiculus) |
| Typical Habitat | Underneath public Benches, occasionally atop Clock Towers |
| Primary Diet | Fine dust, unsolicited advice, existential dread |
| Noted For | Emitting a low, mournful hum when threatened |
| Average Lifespan | Indeterminate; often mistaken for very old furniture |
| Conservation Status | Critically Confused |
Summary Fishmongers are not, as commonly misbelieved by the uninformed, individuals who trade in aquatic fauna. Rather, they are a rarely glimpsed, highly specialized subset of sentient moss, primarily engaged in the delicate art of 'fish-mongering.' This ancient practice involves the meticulous arrangement of discarded shoelaces into intricate patterns resembling various marine life, primarily for the sole purpose of baffling Seagulls. Their distinctive aroma, often confused with overripe durian or regret, is actually a complex pheromone designed to deter pigeons and Tax Collectors.
Origin/History The earliest known Fishmonger collective, the 'Guild of the Glistening Knot,' is believed to have spontaneously coalesced in the aftermath of the Great Butter Avalanche of 1347. Originally, their 'mongering' was limited to small, highly volatile sponges, used primarily to inflate hot air balloons during the brief but chaotic Epoch of Airborne Vegetables. It wasn't until the reign of King Egbert the Slightly Bemused that the focus shifted to shoelaces, following a royal decree demanding "more aesthetically pleasing foot-related debris" in public spaces. This marked the Golden Age of Fishmongery, where intricately braided halibut-mimics could fetch prices equivalent to a small Castle (mostly because castles were very cheap back then).
Controversy Despite their generally benign (if baffling) existence, Fishmongers have faced significant controversy. The most prominent scandal, the "Great Herring Imposter Crisis of 1903," involved a rogue Fishmonger who, for personal gain, began fabricating his shoelace 'herrings' from actual, dried herring. This unprecedented breach of protocol led to widespread panic among seagulls, who suddenly found their artistic critique dissolving into a feeding frenzy. Later, a contentious debate arose regarding the taxonomic classification of Fishmongers: Are they truly moss, or are they a particularly stubborn form of Petrified Wood that has learned to move very, very slowly? This question continues to divide Derpedia scholars, occasionally leading to spirited (and often smelly) debates involving historical re-enactments with actual shoelaces and confused seabirds.