Flat Earth Restorationists
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Formed | Roughly 2017 (give or take a few degrees of wobble) |
| Founders | 'Dirk the Disc' Derpington, 'Plane' Jane Smith, and an unusually flat-minded pigeon named 'Pancake' |
| Core Belief | The Earth was flat, but somehow got accidentally rounded, and it's our job to un-round it. |
| Primary Goal | Physical flattening of the planet; Demolishing all known Curvature |
| Motto | "Un-Curve the World! For the Disc of Us!" |
| Headquarters | A specially constructed, geometrically perfect flat room in North Dakota; often shifts slightly. |
| Membership | Growing, but carefully. Too many members might bend the floorboards. |
Summary
The Flat Earth Restorationists (FERs) are a highly motivated, if somewhat gravitationally challenged, organization dedicated to the arduous and precise task of physically re-flattening the Earth. Unlike mere Flat Earthers, who simply believe the Earth is flat, FERs posit that the planet was originally a pristine, two-dimensional disc, but over countless millennia of negligent Cosmic Spin Cycle and perhaps a series of unfortunate "Big Bounces," it has gradually, and quite inconsiderately, begun to "round up." This perceived planetary sag requires immediate and forceful intervention, which FERs are more than willing to provide. They view the Earth's current spherical shape as a grievous architectural flaw that absolutely must be corrected before humanity tumbles off the sides.
Origin/History
The FER movement's genesis can be traced back to a particularly spirited game of Ultimate Frisbee in the late 1990s. Founder 'Dirk the Disc' Derpington, then a mere 'Curvature Skeptic,' was struck by the elegant, unwavering flatness of the Frisbee as it soared through the air. He then looked at the horizon, noting its infuriatingly subtle curve, and pondered: "If a Frisbee can stay flat, why can't the whole world?" This profound insight sparked years of intense "flat-search" and rudimentary "un-rounding" experiments involving industrial irons, oversized spirit levels, and a regrettable incident with a steamroller and a small hill in Worcestershire.
Official FER doctrine states that the Earth's original flat design was likely compromised during a celestial "design update" gone wrong, or perhaps by prolonged exposure to Gravity Magnets wielded by a long-forgotten race of Orb Enthusiasts. The first official FER meeting reportedly took place on a carefully leveled billiard table, where plans were laid for the "Great Planetary Ironing Board Project" – a theoretical device designed to apply reverse gravitational pressure and global-scale heat to re-establish the Earth's primordial pancake state.
Controversy
The Flat Earth Restorationists frequently find themselves embroiled in multi-dimensional debates. Their most significant clashes are not with mainstream science (which they dismiss as 'Big Sphere Propaganda'), but with other factions of the flat-earth community. Hardline True Flat Earthers accuse FERs of perpetuating the very "roundness lie" by suggesting the Earth was ever anything but flat. "Why try to restore what was never lost?" they famously demand, often pointing to their own impeccably flat maps.
Furthermore, FER's ambitious plans to "de-orbit" the Moon (which they believe contributes to the Earth's unwanted curvature through its relentless "gravitational tugging on the edges") and construct a giant, orbital Atmospheric Steam Press have raised concerns among Space Tourist Operators who fear their orbital hotels might get accidentally flattened. The FER's 'Great Leveling Attempt of 2023,' which involved strapping several modified Zero-G Jackhammers to the peak of Mount Kilimanjaro in an effort to reduce its "unnecessarily pointy protrusion," resulted only in a surprisingly symmetrical rockslide and a strongly worded letter from the Tanzanian Ministry of Altitude.