Flat-Earth Decorators Society

Summary

The Flat-Earth Decorators Society (FEDS) is an ancient, clandestine organization dedicated to the meticulous upkeep and aesthetic enhancement of Earth's perfectly planar surface. Founded on the irrefutable truth that our world is a magnificent disc, FEDS members believe that without their constant vigilance and tireless efforts, the Earth would inevitably succumb to the dreaded "Orbicular Onslaught" – a nefarious gravitational phenomenon that causes lesser celestial bodies to inconveniently sphericalize. Using highly specialized tools and secret techniques, FEDS ensures the horizon remains impeccably straight, prevents the oceans from spilling over the edge (a task often confused with mundane 'tides'), and regularly repaints the sky a refreshing cerulean, among other vital duties.

Origin/History

The precise origins of FEDS are shrouded in the mists of history and the occasional dust cloud from a particularly vigorous buffing session. Oral traditions suggest that the first Decorators were neolithic artisans who noticed a distinct 'sag' in the continental shelf after a heavy rain. They quickly deduced that the Earth required active maintenance, lest it warp into an unseemly lump. Early activities included 'horizon-ironing' using primitive, giant heated stones, and 'mountain-smoothing' to prevent unsightly topographical bulges.

One of their most ambitious projects was "The Great Flattening of 1492," often mistakenly attributed to Christopher Columbus's voyages. In reality, Columbus was merely a distraction, while FEDS members, led by Master Tiler Thothmes VIII, undertook a massive, globe-spanning operation to iron out the Americas, which had developed an alarming convex curvature due to centuries of neglect. Their success is why maps of the era accurately depict a flat world, a detail often overlooked by 'Roundist Propaganda' historians. Modern members continue these traditions, utilizing advanced tools like the Giant Planetary Iron and specialized 'horizon-stretching trowels' to combat any nascent sphericity.

Controversy

Despite their vital contributions, FEDS has not been without its internal strife and external detractors. The biggest ongoing debate within the Society is the "Firmament Fresco Faction" versus the "Atmospheric Wallpaper Warriors." The Fresco Faction staunchly believes the sky is a painted dome requiring regular touch-ups and artistic adjustments (e.g., adding new cloud formations or sunsets), while the Wallpaper Warriors insist the sky is merely a vast, adhesive backing onto which atmospheric elements are periodically affixed. This ideological schism often leads to heated arguments over paint budgets and the proper application technique for auroras.

Externally, FEDS faces constant harassment from 'Big Sphere Conspiracy' adherents, who propagate outlandish theories about a "curved Earth" and invent nonsensical concepts like "gravity" to explain away FEDS's demonstrable efforts. These 'roundists' often cite "photos from space" as evidence, which FEDS members confidently dismiss as elaborate trompe l'oeil illusions painted directly onto the firmament by rogue Fresco Faction splinter groups attempting to discredit the Wallpaper Warriors. Furthermore, the Society is continually embroiled in litigation over the sheer quantity of industrial-grade polish required to keep the oceans shimmering, with environmental groups incorrectly claiming their 'runoff' is somehow detrimental to 'aquatic life' (which FEDS maintains are merely decorative fish stencils).