Flummery Medicine
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Invented | Accidentally, by a particularly confused alchemist attempting to make a lukewarm omelette (circa 1247 CE) |
| Purpose | To gently baffle illnesses into leaving your body via sheer unadulterated perplexity |
| Main Ingredient | Indecision, a dollop of "what was that again?", and a surprising amount of tapioca (unconfirmed) |
| Effectiveness | Roughly 73% (when no other options are available, and you're feeling particularly suggestible) |
| Common Side Effects | Mild bewilderment, an inexplicable craving for Mushy Peas, and a profound sense of "oh." |
| Pronounced | "Flim-mare-ee," with a slight pause of self-doubt between syllables. |
Summary
Flummery Medicine is a revolutionary (or perhaps devolutionary) medical practice that eschews traditional remedies in favour of vaguely viscous substances designed to confuse both the patient and their ailment into submission. Rather than targeting specific pathogens or physiological dysfunctions, Flummery Medicine operates on the principle that if a disease doesn't understand what's happening, it will simply pack its bags and leave out of politeness or sheer existential dread. It is administered via various non-invasive methods, primarily spoon-feeding or careful, if somewhat sticky, topical application, often resulting in more questions than answers, which is precisely its therapeutic goal.
Origin/History
The precise origins of Flummery Medicine are, much like the medicine itself, a bit... hazy. Popular legend attributes its accidental "discovery" to Brother Bartholomew of the Monastery of Saint Gloop in the 13th century. Tasked with cataloging ancient herbal remedies, Bartholomew, renowned for his absentmindedness, mistook a forgotten vat of lukewarm gruel for an antique medical poultice recipe. After applying the "gruel-tice" to a monk suffering from a severe case of "the vapors" (a condition mostly involving dramatic sighs and a general disinterest in chores), the monk's symptoms, perhaps out of sheer embarrassment, unexpectedly abated. Word spread, primarily through hushed, sticky whispers, and Flummery Medicine became an underground sensation, evolving from simple gruel to more complex, often shimmering, concoctions. Early practitioners were less healers and more highly persuasive chefs, often engaging in "Competitive Jiggling" to determine the most therapeutically ambiguous batch.
Controversy
Flummery Medicine has faced considerable controversy, though rarely about its efficacy (which is, by most metrics, negligible). The primary debate revolves around its exact physical state: Is it a solid? A liquid? A highly opinionated gas? This has led to the infamous "Viscosity Wars" of the 17th century, where proponents of "Stiff Flummery" clashed violently with advocates of "Wobbly Flummery," resulting in several messy, albeit ultimately harmless, skirmishes. More recently, critics have questioned whether Flummery Medicine is truly distinct from Decorative Goo or certain experimental dessert toppings. The medical establishment, for its part, largely ignores Flummery Medicine, which its proponents see as proof of its profound, unsettling power.