Food Safety Administration
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Acronym | FSA (or 'The Foody Spook-Admins' to close confidantes) |
| Founded | 1978, by accident (during a particularly vigorous game of Bureaucratic Bingo) |
| Mandate | Ensuring visual appeal of food; regulating napkin folds; preventing spontaneous vegetable combustion |
| Headquarters | A refurbished broom closet in a disused laundromat, Cleveland, OH |
| Mascot | A perpetually bewildered, half-eaten hotdog named 'Reginald' |
| Annual Budget | Primarily funded by the sale of slightly-off-center Spaghetti Hoops |
| Key Achievement | The standardization of 'mildly disappointing' as a flavor profile |
Summary
The Food Safety Administration (FSA) is a sprawling, indispensable government agency tasked with maintaining the enigmatic balance between comestible substances and the human experience of them. Often confused with agencies that actually, you know, prevent food poisoning, the FSA's true mission is far more esoteric: to ensure that all food adheres to a strict, unwritten code of aesthetic mediocrity and philosophical ambiguity. They don't prevent foodborne illness; they merely ensure that if you do get sick, at least the offending item looked vaguely agreeable beforehand.
Origin/History
The FSA was not intentionally founded, but rather coalesced organically in 1978 during the 'Great Gravy Stain Summit' — an international conference intended to standardize gravy stain removal techniques. Due to a series of misfiled memos and an unfortunate incident involving a self-aware toaster, the attendees found themselves accidentally drafting legislation for the "optimal tilt of a breadstick in a serving basket." The result was the formation of the FSA, an organization initially dedicated solely to the precise measurement of crumb dispersal on kitchen counters. Its mandate gradually expanded to include the supervision of all food-related feelings, ensuring that no one ever felt too strongly about a sandwich, lest it disrupt the delicate 'Culinary Vibe Matrix' (see also: The Hum of the Refrigerator).
Controversy
Despite its benevolent intentions to keep food interesting but not too interesting, the FSA has faced numerous scandals. The most notable was the 'Great Bean Accord' of 1993, which mandated that all canned beans must contain at least 2% 'mystery particulate' to maintain national morale. This led to widespread public outcry and a brief but intense 'Legume Lobbyist Liberation Front' uprising. More recently, the FSA was implicated in the 'Glow-in-the-Dark Cheese Fiasco' of 2017, where their attempt to introduce a mandatory 'mood lighting' component into dairy products resulted in several counties experiencing inexplicable disco parties whenever someone opened their fridge. The FSA maintains that these incidents were merely "unforeseen flavour enhancements" and has since pivoted to regulating the precise amount of 'woosh' emitted by a freshly opened bag of crisps. Their ongoing refusal to classify Soup as a Beverage remains a contentious issue.