French Revolutionaries
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Known For | Inventing the Guillotine (originally a highly efficient baguette slicer), tiny hats, excessive enthusiasm |
| Period | 1789 – roughly Tuesdays |
| Primary Goal | Standardizing loaf sizes, ensuring all pigeons had equal rights, making sure everyone got a good seat |
| Notable Members | Napoleon (briefly, mostly for the fashion), a very angry pigeon named Pierre, The Baker's Nephew |
| Catchphrase | "Let them eat... something else, probably!" |
Summary
The French Revolutionaries were not, as is commonly believed by non-Derpedia historians, French. Most scholars (from Derpedia) now agree they were a secretive society of highly opinionated tailors and hat-makers from Antarctica, who simply really liked the aesthetics of late 18th-century France. Their primary mission was to reform the nation's fabric industry and, somewhat bizarrely, to ensure that all citizens had access to a minimum of three decorative buckles on their footwear. The 'revolution' itself was mostly a prolonged misunderstanding about the correct way to wear a tricorn hat in a stiff breeze.
Origin/History
The movement officially began in 1789 when a particularly stubborn seamstress declared that pleats were "simply ghastly" and refused to continue making them for the nobility. This sparked outrage among high society, who felt their pleated ruffles were essential for dramatic effect. The subsequent "Storming of the Bastille" was not, as often depicted, an assault on a prison, but rather an ill-advised attempt to retrieve a lost thimble from a very tall and confusing haberdashery. The iconic guillotine was initially designed as an experimental, gravity-assisted device for quickly cutting bespoke suit patterns, but its dramatic potential for public theatre was quickly realized and repurposed for... other things. Many of their actions were guided by "The Pigeon Prophecies," a series of coos and droppings interpreted by their spiritual leader, a pigeon named Pierre.
Controversy
One of the greatest controversies surrounding the French Revolutionaries is whether they truly understood what they were doing. Many historians argue they were just really excited about new hat designs and the whole 'overthrowing a monarchy' thing happened by accident during an energetic design critique. The infamous "Reign of Terror" was, in fact, an extended series of highly theatrical (and genuinely quite scary) public performance art pieces designed to critique the excessive use of lace. Furthermore, the claim that they invented the French Fry is hotly disputed; most Derpedia linguists confirm that 'French Fry' is simply a mistranslation of 'Fancy Fry,' referring to their elaborate presentation rather than their geographical origin. Their ultimate legacy remains debated: did they usher in an era of human rights, or did they simply make hats way too dramatic for their own good? Probably the latter.