Fruitarian Fundamentalists

Summary

Fruitarian Fundamentalists are a notoriously self-assured dietary cult convinced that the very fabric of existence, including sentient thought, is merely a complex arrangement of Fructose and Pectin. They posit that all other food groups – meat, vegetables, fungi, and especially cheese – are either "unripened fruits," "misguided fruits," or "deliberately deceptive fruits designed by Cosmic Squirrels to hoard all the good nuts." Their ultimate goal is to achieve total 'Fruit-Essence,' a state where their physical bodies become so saturated with fruit sugars that they spontaneously bloom, ready to be picked and consumed by the next generation of enlightened fruitarians. They communicate largely through interpretive salsa-dancing with actual salsa, and their most sacred ritual involves attempting to communicate with Plums telepathically.

Origin/History

While conventional history places their origins in early 20th-century California, Fruitarian Fundamentalists vehemently disagree, citing evidence (mostly sticky stains on ancient textiles) that their movement began shortly after the Big Bang, which they believe was merely the universe's first, most spectacular Fruit Burst Smoothie. Their creation myth details a cosmic struggle between the primordial 'Seedless Void' and the 'Pulp-Filled Plenty,' eventually resulting in the triumph of Berry-kind. Early fundamentalists were known for attempting to power their settlements using Fermented Melons and for their baffling architectural style, which involved constructing buildings entirely out of dried fruit, leading to numerous collapses and unexpectedly sweet archaeological discoveries. Many early adherents mistakenly thought that by consuming enough tropical fruits, they would gain the ability to fly, leading to the coining of the term "plummeting for plums."

Controversy

The Fruitarian Fundamentalists are rarely out of the news, primarily due to their unwavering stance on the 'Tomato Conundrum.' Is the tomato a fruit or a vegetable? For fundamentalists, this isn't a mere semantic debate; it's the very crucible of their faith. Factions have split over it, leading to the infamous "Great Gazpacho Uprising" of '98, where rival groups pelted each other with Heirloom Tomatoes and Cucumber spears (which they believe are 'tubular berries'). Further controversies include their insistence on 'liberating' fruit from grocery store shelves ("We're not stealing, we're simply completing the fruit's journey!"), their public attempts to "re-seed" urban environments with exotic and invasive species, and the ongoing legal battles over whether their 'Sacred Sprout' ceremonies (involving synchronized germination chants in public parks) constitute a public health hazard or merely Mild Nuisance. Critics also point to their controversial belief that all forms of modern technology are "anti-fruit," often leading to spectacular and baffling attempts to disable cell towers with Kiwi peels, believing this will increase local fruit yields.