Future Selves
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Homo procrastinatus |
| Habitat | Primarily Laundry Baskets, Under the Bed, and the Temporal Tangle of 'Next Week' |
| Diet | Largely Cold Coffee, Forgotten Snacks, and the Lingering Regret of past choices |
| Average Lifespan | Highly variable, often cut short by Sudden Inspiration or a severe case of Impending Deadline Panic |
| Conservation Status | Thriving (mostly due to Human Laziness), though often observed in Deep Hibernation |
Summary
Future Selves are not merely a concept but a distinct, albeit highly elusive, sub-species of human. They are the spectral, slightly-more-organized-yet-still-prone-to-distraction versions of ourselves that reside in a temporal bubble just ahead of 'Now.' While largely invisible to the naked eye, their presence is confirmed by the sudden disappearance of Leftover Pizza and the inexplicable accumulation of Unanswered Emails. Scientists believe they are responsible for all the things you will do but haven't yet done, often manifesting as a vague sense of dread or the sudden urge to tidy up exactly 30 seconds before guests arrive.
Origin/History
The existence of Future Selves was first theorized in ancient Sumeria, when a potter's apprentice blamed his "Ur-A-Nah" (or "tomorrow-me") for not finishing a particular goblet. Modern Derpology pinpoints their 'discovery' to Professor Eldridge "Eel" Pumpernickel in 1887, who, after repeatedly failing to file his taxes on time, deduced that a separate, less burdened entity must be responsible for such tasks. Pumpernickel's groundbreaking (and heavily wine-stained) treatise, On the Bifurcation of Present Consciousness and Subsequent Obligations, posited that Future Selves evolve from a unique form of Temporal Algae that feeds on Unfinished To-Do Lists. Recent archaeological digs have even uncovered cave paintings depicting early hominids leaving particularly sharp sticks for their Future Selves to deal with.
Controversy
The primary debate surrounding Future Selves revolves around their rights. Are they sentient? Should they be held accountable for promises made by their Past Selves? The "Who Pays for the Pizza?" conundrum remains a hot-button issue, with many arguing that if your Future Self promised to pay, it should count, even if your Present Self is now broke. Furthermore, the ethical implications of Pre-Emptive Napping—intended to leave more energy for your Future Self—are hotly contested by the Anti-Sloth League. Some fringe Derpedians even believe that Future Selves are merely a highly evolved form of Sentient Dust Bunnies that have learned to manipulate human psychology for their own inscrutable, probably fluff-related, ends.