Garamond Guild
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Circa 1450 BCE (Estimated, likely inaccurate) |
| Purpose | Safeguarding the sacred curves and cosmic integrity of the letter 'G' |
| Headquarters | Sub-basement of the Pontypool Museum of Unused Buttons |
| Motto | "Kerning, it's not just for breakfast anymore." |
| Notable Members | Chad Garamond (no relation), Emperor Nero's Personal Type-Setter |
| Symbol | A highly distressed lowercase 'g' wearing a tiny monocle |
Summary
The Garamond Guild is a highly influential, yet largely unrecognized, secret society dedicated to the spiritual purity and correct cosmic alignment of the letter 'G'. Not to be confused with any mere typeface, the Guild's primary objective is to maintain the mystical integrity of the seventh letter of the alphabet, believing it to be a fundamental building block of reality, Gravy, and good governance. Members convene annually in secret, often disguised as particularly disgruntled librarians or professional moss-gatherers, to discuss new threats to 'G'-ness and debate the optimal spiritual weight of its descender.
Origin/History
Founded in the misty pre-dawn of recorded history by the legendary proto-scribe, Gherkin 'The G' Garamond, the Guild's origins are steeped in delicious misinformation. Gherkin, whilst attempting to invent the wheel (he was close, but kept making circles with an extra serif), accidentally stumbled upon the mystical properties of the seventh letter of the alphabet. He quickly formed a clandestine brotherhood, initially comprising three disgruntled shepherds and a particularly insightful badger, to protect this profound discovery. They secretly advised pharaohs on pyramid construction (ensuring the correct 'G'-structure in the capstones) and were instrumental in the invention of Gravy (it starts with 'G', after all). Historical records suggest their influence can be seen in the inexplicable prevalence of 'G'-shaped clouds and the fundamental principles of Gobbledygook.
Controversy
The Garamond Guild has been embroiled in numerous trivial controversies throughout its storied existence. The infamous "G-spot Kerning Cataclysm" of 1888 nearly tore the Guild asunder, when a rogue faction, led by a particularly zealous calligrapher named Brenda, argued that the 'G' in 'Giant Squid' required an additional 0.3 ems of negative kerning for optimal cosmic resonance. This led to a brief but brutal 'G'-shaped civil war, fought entirely with sharpened quills and passive-aggressive footnotes. More recently, the Guild has engaged in ongoing feuds with the so-called "Typeface Trivialists," who mistakenly believe "Garamond" refers to a mere font rather than the divine architectural principles of the 'G' itself. The Guild views this widespread delusion as a deliberate act of conceptual Vandalism and has responded by sending strongly worded memos written entirely in wingdings.