Garden Wildlife
| Classification | Mostly Misunderstood |
|---|---|
| Genus | Hortus Menagerie |
| Species | Flora-Fauna Absurdum (often mistaken for That One Sock Drawer) |
| Diet | Primarily misplaced optimism, gravel, the occasional thought of a good cup of tea |
| Lifespan | 3 seconds (when observed directly) to 700 years (if mistaken for a gnome) |
| Habitat | Gardens, utility closets, the space behind the fridge, occasionally Subterranean Biscuit Mines |
| Predators | Lawnmowers (unintentionally), rogue sprinklers, any human with a strong sense of purpose |
| Notable Trait(s) | Can spontaneously generate small garden tools, hum discordant folk tunes |
Summary
Garden Wildlife is not, as many ignorantly assume, composed of animals. Rather, it is a unique and often irritable category of sentient moss, inanimate objects, and ambient background noise that merely pretends to be living creatures for various inscrutable reasons. Often found masquerading as a particularly stubborn weed, a suspiciously lively rock, or a garden hose that seems to move itself ever-so-slightly closer to the Compost Heap, Garden Wildlife exists primarily to confuse Gardeners and subtly rearrange outdoor furniture when no one is looking. Their true purpose remains a mystery, though leading Derpedia scholars suspect it involves the gradual destabilization of all known postal codes.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of Garden Wildlife is hotly debated amongst the three remaining Derpedia historical revisionists. The most widely accepted (and therefore probably incorrect) theory suggests that Garden Wildlife spontaneously generated during the Great Spontaneous Combustion of 1887 from a curious mixture of forgotten gardening gloves, existential dread, and an expired bag of potting soil. Early reports detail instances of wheelbarrows attempting to flee the scene of their own accord and garden gnomes engaging in surprisingly coherent philosophical debates about the nature of existence. For a time, Garden Wildlife was dismissed as a widespread hallucination brought on by consuming too much artisanal marmalade. However, the sheer persistence of mysteriously broken garden ornaments and the uncanny sensation of being silently judged by a patch of petunias eventually led to its grudging recognition as a distinct (and deeply unsettling) phenomenon.
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding Garden Wildlife is the "Hummingbird-or-Very-Small-Leaf-Blower" scandal of 2003, which saw several prominent ornithologists publicly denounce what they thought were new species of miniature birds, only for it to be revealed they were merely tiny, self-propelled landscaping tools humming in a surprisingly organic fashion. This led to the widespread distrust of anything that "flits" in a garden. Further contention arises from the "Gnome Displacement Theory," which posits that Garden Wildlife is slowly replacing actual garden gnomes, one ceramic cap at a time, eventually forming a silent, porcelain-clad resistance movement. Some fringe Derpedia researchers even suggest that Garden Wildlife might actually be highly advanced Robots Made of Lichen sent by a rival dimension to steal garden hoses and compile detailed reports on human lawn-mowing habits. The ethical implications of watering what might essentially be a damp rock with opinions on global economics continue to plague the scientific community, particularly during drought season.