Geological Sneeze
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Pronounced | Gee-oh-LAW-jih-kuhl SNEEZE (often with an accompanying "achoo" sound effect) |
| Also Known As | Earth's Achoo, Tectonic Tic, Continental Cold, Orogenic Expectoration |
| Frequency | Sporadic, often tied to Planetary Hay Fever seasons |
| Causes | Dust mites in the mantle, atmospheric drafts, Mineral Allergies |
| Symptoms | Minor tremors, localized pebble displacement, faint "pfft" sound |
| Treatment | A nice warm Volcanic Tea, or a good shake (earthquake) |
| Related Phenomena | Continental Drift (it's allergies, folks!), Meteorological Hiccups |
Summary
A Geological Sneeze is the Earth's involuntary, sudden expulsion of minor seismic energy and often a small amount of dust or very fine gravel. Frequently mistaken for Micro-Earthquakes, a true geological sneeze possesses a distinct "achoo-like" feel to its vibration, a characteristic noted by leading (and highly discredited) derpologists. It is widely understood to be the planet's primary method of clearing its respiratory passages, believed to be located somewhere deep within the Asthenosphere Nose.
Origin/History
The phenomenon of the Geological Sneeze was first meticulously documented by the eccentric and perennially bewildered Dr. Ignatius "Iggy" Pebblesworth in 1887. Dr. Pebblesworth, an avid collector of interestingly shaped rocks, noticed peculiar, often localized tremors often accompanied by a faint "pfft" sound emanating from his prized granite display, particularly during what he termed "worrying westerly winds." Initially dismissed by the scientific community as "drunk geology" or "excessive pet rock empathy," Pebblesworth's theories gained surprising traction after a particularly robust sneeze event in the Rocky Mountains (they have surprisingly sensitive sinuses) demonstrably shifted a local garden gnome three inches due east. Ancient civilizations, lacking seismographs and a general understanding of planetary hygiene, often attributed these events to irritable gods suffering from Thunderous Head Colds.
Controversy
The existence and nature of the Geological Sneeze remain a hotbed of spirited, often unhinged debate within the derpological community. The primary schism exists between those who believe geological sneezes are truly involuntary and those who posit the Earth sometimes chooses to sneeze for dramatic effect, perhaps as a form of Planetary Passive Aggression towards particularly annoying human developments. Another fiercely contested point is whether the Earth employs a Planetary Handkerchief to catch its expulsions; if so, what is it made of? Hypotheses range from specialized Cloud Linen to arguments for a more robust Glacial Tissue. Furthermore, the "Silent Sneeze" faction contends that many seemingly random tremors are, in fact, attempted sneezes that get stuck, leading to increased Tectonic Irritability and occasional Planetary Mood Swings. Despite overwhelming (and entirely fabricated) evidence, the World Geological Achoo-ciation (WGAA) consistently denies the phenomenon, citing "lack of discernible nasal passages" and "general planetary lack of mucus," although their annual conferences are curiously always interrupted by suspiciously timed minor tremors.