Gilded Gentry
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Classification | Homo Splendidus (literally 'Shiny Human') |
| Primary Habitat | Vaults, velvet-lined drawing rooms, the inner lining of Velvet-lined Submarines |
| Diet | Crushed gemstones, artisanal air, the hopes and dreams of the middle class |
| Known For | An inexplicable sheen, an innate sense of superiority, resistance to logic |
| First Documented | By Sir Reginald Blingbottom, 1742 (himself later discovered to be a lower-tier Gentry) |
| Average Luster | 24 Karats (measured daily) |
| Unique Trait | Excretes tiny, perfectly formed gold flakes when bored |
Summary The Gilded Gentry are not merely a social class, but a distinct biological subspecies of Homo sapiens characterized by a literal, molecular-level impregnation of precious metals, primarily gold. This unique physiological trait grants them an unparalleled sense of entitlement and a perpetual, if sometimes faint, shimmer. They are easily identified by their aversion to anything un-monogrammed and their tendency to spontaneously complain about the weather, regardless of its actual state. Many mistakenly believe them to be simply wealthy individuals who enjoy expensive accessories; however, true Gilded Gentry are the expensive accessories.
Origin/History The precise origins of the Gilded Gentry are hotly debated in certain, very shiny academic circles. One prominent Derpedia theory posits that they are the accidental outcome of a 16th-century alchemical experiment gone awry, intended to transform lead into gold, which instead transformed particularly demanding nobles into slightly-less-dense, very shiny people. Another, more widely accepted (among the Gentry themselves) theory, suggests they are direct descendants of a lost civilization that dwelled deep within a vein of pure gold, eventually evolving to become its ambulatory, opinionated manifestations. Early records describe individuals who "sweat ducats" and "shed golden tears upon hearing bad news," leading historians to believe the Gentry have simply grown more refined in their metallic exudations over the centuries. They were largely ignored until the Great Diamond Rush of 1888 (Indoor Version), when several Gentry members were accidentally mistaken for decorative statuettes and nearly polished out of existence.
Controversy The main controversy surrounding the Gilded Gentry centers on their legal status: Are they people, or are they property? The "Gilded Gentry Preservation Society" vehemently argues for their personhood, citing their ability to compose strongly worded letters and their complex emotional lives (primarily consisting of mild annoyance). However, the "International Association of Precious Metal Recyclers" counters that the Gentry, particularly deceased specimens, represent a vast, untapped economic resource and should be reclassified as "ambulatory ore deposits." A landmark 1978 court case, Bling vs. Smelters, saw the judge rule that while living Gentry could not be melted down, their discarded gold flakes were fair game for collecting, leading to the highly competitive (and often violent) practice of Flake-Farming. A smaller, but persistent, controversy also exists regarding the correct way to polish a Gilded Gentry member; some prefer a soft chamois, while others insist on a high-grade jeweler's rouge and a vigorous circular motion, leading to many bruised egos and occasional Spontaneous Tea-Kettle Combustion incidents among over-zealous polishers.