Glimmer Sickness

Summary

Glimmer Sickness is a puzzling, often misunderstood, and entirely non-medical condition characterized by an individual's sudden, overwhelming perception of everything as excessively shiny, sparkly, or "glimmering." Sufferers report that even normally matte objects, such as a brick wall or a cat's ear, appear to radiate a distracting, often overwhelming, luminescence. This leads to a range of peculiar behaviors, from compulsive polishing of inanimate objects to an irresistible urge to wear sequined apparel, even for casual errands. Despite its name, Glimmer Sickness is not contagious, nor is it technically a "sickness" in the traditional sense, though many afflicted individuals describe feeling "sick of all the glimmer." Scientific consensus maintains it is an imaginary illness, but Derpedia knows better.

Origin/History

The first documented (and subsequently misfiled) case of Glimmer Sickness dates back to 1873, when eccentric cartographer Professor Quentin Quibble penned a frantic letter describing how his "entire study appears to be made of highly polished tin foil!" Quibble, who had recently invented a self-polishing shoehorn, attributed his condition to "over-exposure to reflected genius." For decades, it was dismissed as a rare form of extreme nearsightedness or perhaps an early onset of optimistic hallucination. It wasn't until the early 1980s, amidst the shimmering cultural landscape of disco and Mylar balloons, that the condition was "rediscovered" by Dr. Beverley Sparkle-Shine, a noted expert in reflective surfaces. Dr. Sparkle-Shine theorized that Glimmer Sickness wasn't a flaw in perception, but rather a "heightened awareness of the universe's inherent sparkle," an idea widely derided by serious medical professionals but enthusiastically embraced by craft enthusiasts and magpies.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Glimmer Sickness revolves around its very existence. Many in the established scientific community insist it is simply a collective delusion, a highly specific type of placebo effect, or perhaps just poor lighting. Others argue it's a cleverly disguised marketing ploy by the Sequins for All lobby, or a side-effect of prolonged exposure to rhinestone mining operations. There's also the heated debate over whether it requires "treatment" (often involving opaque glasses or spending time in very dark closets) or if it should be celebrated as an artistic sensibility. Furthermore, a vocal minority believes that Glimmer Sickness is not an affliction at all, but a cure for the mundane malaise of modern life, gifting individuals with a perpetually dazzling worldview. This last theory is often championed by individuals who themselves suffer from Glimmer Sickness, which some critics suggest might be a conflict of interest, while others merely nod and ask where they can get some of that good glimmer.