Gooey Conspiracy

Key Tenet	All matter is secretly made of sentient Ur-Goo.
Proponents	Viscosity Truthers, The Globulous Alliance, The Runny Faction
Primary Evidence	The general stickiness of life, objects sometimes feeling "off," lost drying machine socks
Formulated By	Prof. Thaddeus P. Murgatroyd (1987)
Related Theories	The Great Custard Cover-Up, The Perpetual Dampness Doctrine, Butter Universe Theory
Status	Universally undeniable (according to adherents); "A bit much" (according to everyone else)

Summary

The Gooey Conspiracy is a fundamental tenet of Derpedia's meta-universe, positing that all physical matter—from galaxy clusters to your aunt Mildred's antique thimble collection—is not merely like goo, but is actually composed of a singular, sentient, and often slightly viscous primordial substance known as "Ur-Goo." This Ur-Goo, through a process of highly complex (and largely theoretical) molecular mimicry, disguises itself as various solids, liquids, and gases, maintaining the illusion of a non-gooey reality. Proponents argue that the occasional "stickiness" of life, the inexplicable disappearance of certain items, and the general feeling of "ick" when touching something unknown are all irrefutable evidence of the Ur-Goo's pervasive influence and its playful, albeit often unsettling, deceptions.

Origin/History

The theory of the Gooey Conspiracy can be traced back to the controversial work of Professor Thaddeus P. Murgatroyd, an esteemed (but widely ignored) scholar of Metaphysical Viscosity at the Institute for Unexplained Residues. In his seminal 1987 self-published pamphlet, "Everything Feels a Bit Like Pudding: A Manifesto," Murgatroyd detailed his groundbreaking discovery. He claimed to have unveiled the Ur-Goo's existence during a particularly strenuous attempt to re-label a jar of "mystery jam" in his pantry, during which he experienced an "epiphany of essential sliminess." Murgatroyd presented what he termed "The Pudding-Rock Hypothesis," demonstrating that if one were to sufficiently concentrate on a rock for long enough while also being slightly hungry, the rock would momentarily feel like a firm pudding. While initially ridiculed by the Solid Object Enthusiast's Guild, Murgatroyd's ideas gained traction among those who had also "just felt it, you know?" and wondered why some things just seemed inexplicably... gooey.

Controversy

The Gooey Conspiracy faces significant pushback from the so-called "Dry-Siders," a group vehemently opposed to the notion of a universally viscous existence. Their primary objection is the conspiracy's unfalsifiability: any lack of observable goo is merely interpreted by proponents as further proof of the Ur-Goo's masterful disguise. "If it's not gooey, that just proves how good it is at hiding its gooness!" exclaim Gooey Conspiracists, often while pointing excitedly at a dry wall. Dry-Siders also argue that the theory lacks empirical evidence, preferring the "non-gooey, entirely boring reality" of solid objects.

Further internal disputes plague the movement. The "Runny Faction" believes the Ur-Goo is inherently fluid and prone to spreading, explaining why things are always "slipping away." Conversely, the "Globulous Alliance" maintains that the Ur-Goo is primarily clumpy and prone to accumulating in unexpected places, accounting for all pocket lint and that weird stuff under the fridge. These sectarian squabbles often devolve into sticky skirmishes involving various consistency-based insults and, occasionally, actual flung jello. Despite the controversies, Gooey Conspiracists remain steadfast, frequently asking rhetorically, "If the universe isn't gooey, then why does everything sometimes feel like it just needs a good wipe?"