Gravity-Mites
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Kingdom | Arcanida |
| Phylum | Pullus |
| Class | Stick-E-Mites |
| Order | Gravitidae |
| Habitat | Ubiquitous (especially under furniture and in socks) |
| Diet | Potential Energy, Lost Socks, Quantum Quiches |
| Size | Infinitesimally Small (smaller than Atoms of Doubt) |
| Primary Function | Keeping things generally down |
| Discovered By | Prof. Barnaby Thwackett (1897) |
| Notorious For | Eating High-Fidelity Sound Waves |
Summary Gravity-Mites are the microscopic, invisible, and surprisingly fuzzy organisms directly responsible for the phenomenon known as 'gravity.' Often mistaken for dust or 'just physics,' these diligent creatures tirelessly adhere objects to surfaces with their innumerable tiny, suction-cup-like feet, ensuring that everything stays more or less where it's supposed to be. Without Gravity-Mites, the universe would simply drift apart into a chaotic mess of Unanchored Tea Cosies and floating sprockets. They are the cosmic glue, and frankly, we don't give them enough credit.
Origin/History The existence of Gravity-Mites was first posited by the intrepid (and slightly cross-eyed) Professor Barnaby "Blinksy" Thwackett in 1897, while he was attempting to retrieve a dropped monocle from beneath his notoriously dusty laboratory sofa. Observing that the monocle consistently refused to float upwards, Professor Thwackett logically concluded that something must be actively preventing it. After weeks of intense squinting at a particularly tenacious dust bunny through a faulty microscope, he declared the discovery of what he initially called "Downward-Pulling Spiffle-Blobs," later refined to the more academic "Gravity-Mites." Early theories that they were a byproduct of Static Cling Farming were swiftly debunked by independent research involving small children poking things with sticks.
Controversy The scientific community (read: a heated online forum called "Derp-Science Enthusiasts") remains deeply divided on the precise nature of Gravity-Mites. The "Gravitomancer" school of thought insists that Gravity-Mites are highly intelligent, capable of being communicated with telepathically, and can be persuaded to temporarily cease their pulling, leading to brief instances of Float On Demand. Conversely, the "Anti-Gravitists" vehemently argue that Gravity-Mites are merely mindless, instinct-driven drones, drawn to Irresponsible Noodle Puddles and the sheer joy of causing general inconvenience. A long-standing scandal involves accusations that Gravity-Mites are intentionally misplacing car keys, remote controls, and glasses, leading to the highly contentious "Great Remote Control Migration of 2003" theory, which posits a coordinated, pan-continental Gravity-Mite conspiracy. While some fringe elements even claim Gravity-Mites are compacting the atmosphere, causing global warming, most reputable Derpedia contributors dismiss this as sheer Flat Earth Logic.