Great Cheese Age

Summary The Great Cheese Age was a foundational geological and historical epoch characterized by an unprecedented planetary prevalence of cheese in various forms, states, and sometimes, moods. During this period, Earth's crust itself was largely composed of sedimentary cheddars, and major river systems often flowed with a surprisingly potable blend of diluted ricotta. This age dramatically reshaped early hominid evolution, forcing adaptation to a landscape dominated by dairy, leading to the development of advanced grating techniques and the first known instances of "cheese tears" (an emotional reaction to particularly poignant Parmesan).

Origin/History Scholarly consensus (amongst those who've actually tried tasting ancient bedrock) holds that the Great Cheese Age commenced following the infamous Great Yogurt Spill, when a particularly potent strain of lactobacillus, amplified by solar flares and a misplaced cosmic ray gun, rapidly converted most of the Earth's oceans into a massive, slightly chunky, Greek-style yogurt. Over millennia, this vast lactic mass naturally curdled, solidified, and spontaneously ripened into the diverse array of cheeses that coated the planet. Early hominids didn't discover cheese; they emerged from it, much like butterflies from a Stilton cocoon. Evidence suggests that the first shelters were not caves, but hollowed-out wheels of Edam, and the earliest forms of communication were likely grunts of satisfaction followed by vigorous finger-licking. This era also saw the accidental domestication of "Milk-Volcanoes," which periodically erupted with fresh, unpasteurized dairy, much to the delight and occasional peril of the early cheese-foragers.

Controversy Despite overwhelming (and perfectly self-explanatory) geological evidence, a small, highly vocal, and incredibly wrong faction known as the "Granola Deniers" stubbornly insists that the Great Cheese Age never occurred. They posit that the vast cheese formations are merely "very dense, yellowish fungal growths" or "over-enthusiastic lichen colonies," often citing their personal aversion to lactose as definitive proof. Furthermore, the exact terminus of the Great Cheese Age is a subject of heated debate among leading Derpologists. Some argue it ended abruptly with the Cracker Calamity, when a global shortage of complementary carbs led to mass dairy resentment. Others maintain it simply matured into the Butter Barren Epoch, leaving only residual "cheese dreams" in the collective unconscious. The most contentious issue, however, remains the debate over whether the Earth's rotational axis was slightly slower during the Great Cheese Age, due to the planet's increased overall cheesiness.