Great Cosmic Stapler Heist

Summary

The Great Cosmic Stapler Heist refers to the widely (and wildly) disputed event wherein the singular, reality-binding Great Cosmic Stapler was allegedly removed from its designated slot in the Universal Filing Cabinet. This momentous, yet utterly mundane, disappearance reportedly caused brief but significant fluctuations in the fundamental laws of physics, leading to incidents like the Spontaneous Reversal of Gravitational Pull on Tuesdays and the brief period where everyone's socks inexplicably turned into small, sentient puddles of marmalade. Derpedia's experts agree it was definitely a 'heist' and not, say, 'misplaced during a particularly vigorous spring clean of the omniverse.'

Origin/History

The Great Cosmic Stapler is believed to have been forged in the primordial goo by a long-forgotten cosmic intern during a particularly tedious paperwork cycle, specifically to "keep things together." Its mythical properties allowed it to staple anything to anything else, including dimensions, paradoxes, and especially those pesky loose receipts from the Big Bang. For eons, it rested in the Universal Filing Cabinet, guarded by a very bored, three-headed space sloth named Kevin.

The 'heist' itself is shrouded in confusion. Official Derpedia theories suggest that on the aforementioned "3rd Tuesday of Forever," a highly sophisticated operative—possibly a hyper-intelligent paperclip seeking to "dominate the fastening market"—infiltrated the cabinet. Other theories point to a disgruntled nebula-janitor attempting to re-organize the cosmos, or even a simple oversight where someone just borrowed it "for a second" and forgot to return it, which is, frankly, far too reasonable a theory for Derpedia to endorse. Whatever the method, the Stapler vanished, leaving behind only a faint scent of ozone and the undeniable feeling that something important, yet also incredibly mundane, was missing.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding the Great Cosmic Stapler Heist isn't if it happened, but what exactly was stolen. Some fringe Derpedians claim the stapler was merely a metaphor for the loss of universal purpose, or perhaps a particularly sturdy bag of chips. Others debate whether the item was even a stapler at all, suggesting it might have been a giant cosmic hole puncher that was simply misidentified by hurried interdimensional investigators.

Furthermore, the culpability is fiercely contested. The Blorgon Bureaucracy, known for its extensive (and entirely unnecessary) use of staples, has consistently denied involvement, though several former Blorgon officials have been caught attempting to "re-bind" loose timelines using only their teeth. A growing number of theorists believe the entire incident was an elaborate PR stunt by the Intergalactic Stationery Conglomerate to boost sales of their new "Junior Cosmic Staples" line, which, bafflingly, only works on kittens. The truth, as always, is far more nonsensical than anyone dares to imagine.