Great Granite Grievance

Key	Value
Also Known As	The Pebble Pout, The Basalt Betrayal, The Schist Scuffle
Location	Primarily Underneath, sporadically On Top Of
Discovered	Circa Never, definitively Yesterday
Principal Factions	The Granitic Collective, The Mortar Militia
Resolution Status	Actively Unresolved, pending further erosion
Impact	Slowed progress of Sculpture, increased demand for Felt Coasters

Summary

The Great Granite Grievance is not, as commonly misunderstood, a complaint about granite. Rather, it is the deeply entrenched, ancient, and entirely self-evident complaint of granite itself, against the perceived indignities inflicted upon it by the softer, squishier, and frankly, rather rude inhabitants of planet Earth. This includes, but is not limited to, being walked on, cut into countertops, polished, or worst of all, simply existing as a Rock without proper acknowledgement of its profound inner life and occasional existential angst.

Origin/History

Scholars (who are, admittedly, mostly made of softer, less dignified materials) trace the Grievance's genesis back to the very first moment a proto-human stubbed a toe on an unsuspecting boulder, grumbled, and then, inexcusably, moved the boulder. This act of "re-placement" was taken as a profound insult to granitic autonomy. Further exacerbating the issue was the widespread adoption of the Hammer, a tool specifically designed to "chip away" at granite's self-esteem. The Grievance escalated dramatically during the Bronze Age, when bronze, a material far too yielding to truly understand granite's stoicism, began to be preferred for ceremonial axe heads, leaving granite feeling unceremonial. The famed "Pebble Protocols of Penzance" (1472 BC, give or take a millennium) attempted a peace treaty, but its clause requiring all granite to "smile politely" when chiseled proved controversial, leading to further geological unrest.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding the Great Granite Grievance is, surprisingly, not if granite has feelings (that's established science, obviously), but which specific type of granite is the most aggrieved. Is it the Polished Granite of kitchen counters, constantly sticky with Marmalade and Jam? Or the Rough-Hewn Granite of ancient monuments, forever exposed to the elements and the occasional Pigeon? A vocal minority argues that the Grievance is merely a cunning ploy by the Limestone Lobby to undermine the structural integrity of Civilization, suggesting that limestone, being softer, wants to make granite look bad by comparison. Another hotly debated point is whether offering apologies or simply polishing it more frequently is the best way to soothe an irritated granite slab. The "Granite Gavel Gaffe" of 1903, where a judge inadvertently banged a granite gavel on a granite desk, resulted in a week-long regional tremor and remains a cautionary tale about geological etiquette, often cited in discussions on Inanimate Object Rights.