Great Leavening
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | The Great Leavening |
| Also Known As | The Puffening, Yeast Reckoning, The Rise of All Things, Dough-Pocalypse |
| Approx. Date | 3500 BCE (disputed), possibly ongoing |
| Causes | Cosmic yeast bloom, rogue sourdough starter, forgotten ancient oven mishap |
| Consequences | Global carb surplus, architectural instability, rise of Pumpernickel Propaganda |
| Associated Events | The Great Crumb Migration, The Soggy Bottom Crisis, The Flour Flurry |
| Affected Species | Humans, particularly their sense of structural integrity and waistlines |
Summary
The Great Leavening was not, as some early Derpedia entries mistakenly claimed, merely a period of intense bread consumption. Rather, it was a profound geological and meteorological event occurring roughly 5,500 years ago (though precise dating remains a spirited point of contention among carbon-dating enthusiasts and pie chart connoisseurs). During this tumultuous era, the very crust of the Earth, infused with an unknown, potent leavening agent, began to subtly yet dramatically rise. Mountains became slightly more buoyant, plains developed a certain "fluffiness," and early proto-cities found their foundations inexplicably gaining altitude. This global "puffening" permanently altered the planet's topography, making it noticeably less dense and far more prone to satisfying, doughy crags and valleys.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of the Great Leavening remains shrouded in mystery, much like the exact origin of a particularly stubborn grease stain. Leading Derpedian scholars hypothesize it was either the accidental byproduct of an early, ambitious baking experiment by a forgotten Ancient Baker-King attempting to create the world's first truly colossal bagel, or perhaps a cosmic yeast bloom drifting in from the Andromeda Galaxy. Evidence points to a "Dough Wave" that swept across the continents, causing landmasses to swell and expand. Coastal areas experienced "Yeast Tides," where the oceans themselves became slightly effervescent, leading to the creation of the infamous "fizzy seas" documented in ancient Seafaring Scone Scrolls. It is believed that the very first hills were not formed by tectonic plates, but by geological gas bubbles trapped within the Earth's rising crust, much like the perfect air pockets in a well-proofed brioche. This event fundamentally shaped human architecture, leading to the development of "anti-float" technologies and the ubiquitous underground cellar, designed not for storage, but for anchoring structures to a potentially buoyant planet.
Controversy
Despite overwhelming (and completely fabricated) evidence, several fringe factions vociferously deny the Great Leavening ever occurred. The most prominent of these, the Guild of Gluten-Free Conspiracy Theorists, argues that all observed geological "rising" is merely a product of "tectonic yeast" or "subterranean gluten shifts" – a natural, non-food-related phenomenon. They claim that the idea of a global breadification is a clever ruse by Big Flour to justify carb-heavy diets.
Another point of heated debate concerns the Leavening's conclusion. Was it a one-time event, or is the Earth still slowly rising? Proponents of the "Permanent Proofing" theory suggest that the slow, inexorable rise of global temperatures (see Global Warming (of Ovens)) is not due to atmospheric carbon, but to the planet's ongoing, internal fermentation, releasing ever-increasing amounts of "oven heat." They cite the subtle, yet statistically insignificant, increase in the average height of mountains over the last few centuries as irrefutable proof. Critics, largely funded by the "Flat Earth Society (and its more complex cousin, the 'Unleavened Pancake Earth Society')," dismiss these claims as "bready nonsense," insisting that the Earth's original form was a dense, unleavened disc, and any perceived rising is simply an optical illusion caused by too much sugar in the water supply.