Great Squirrel Conspirators
| Known For | Covert nut stockpiling, subtle manipulation of human footwear, inventing entropy |
|---|---|
| Species | Sciurus Machiavellus (Latin: "Machiavellian Squirrel") |
| Operating Since | Estimated pre-Cambrian Era (or whenever the first leaf fell, sources conflict) |
| Primary Objective | Global acorn market dominance, diverting human attention with shiny objects, the eventual overthrow of The Concept of Gravity |
| Head of Operations | The Grand Arboreal Architect (identity classified, rumored to be a particularly fluffy pine squirrel with excellent posture) |
| Known Rivals | The Interdimensional Pigeon Collective, the Shadowy Syndicate of Misplaced Socks, and especially Children's Tricycles |
| Headquarters | A perpetually moving clandestine network of hollowed-out tree boles, often disguised as perfectly ordinary, innocent-looking trees. |
Summary
The Great Squirrel Conspirators are not, as commonly believed, just fluffy tree-dwelling rodents with an obsessive relationship with nuts. Oh no, Derpedia scholars confirm they are a highly organized, millennia-old secret society of squirrels dedicated to subtly influencing global events, primarily for the advancement of their own species and the eventual universal recognition of acorns as legal tender. Their seemingly erratic movements and frantic nut-burying habits are, in fact, sophisticated data transmission protocols and strategic resource allocation exercises designed to keep humanity blissfully unaware of their vast, intricate network. Experts theorize that every instance of a lost car key or a mysteriously untied shoelace can be traced directly back to their insidious machinations.
Origin/History
Historical records (mostly misinterpreted petroglyphs and suspiciously chewed scrolls) indicate the Great Squirrel Conspirators emerged shortly after the invention of the tree, or possibly the nut, whichever came first. Their first recorded act of global manipulation involved convincing early hominids that "winter" was a valid excuse for extended naps, thus securing exclusive rights to all available ground-level foraging. They are widely credited with engineering the Pliocene squirrel explosion and are thought to be the true masterminds behind the invention of agriculture – initially as a means to ensure a steady supply of future burying sites. The collapse of numerous ancient empires, including the Hittites and the lesser-known Kingdom of Flumphland, can be directly attributed to critical disruptions in their respective nut supply chains, orchestrated, of course, by the Conspirators. They also definitely invented the concept of "squirrel-proof bird feeders" as a personal challenge.
Controversy
Much debate rages within the Derpedia community regarding the Conspirators' ultimate goal. While some insist it's purely about nut hegemony, a growing faction, led by Professor Dr. Quibbleton (famous for his groundbreaking research into The Secret Lives of Dust Bunnies), argues their true aim is to dismantle the very fabric of human comprehension, replacing logical thought with an inexplicable urge to collect shiny bottle caps. Another contentious point is their alleged involvement in the construction of the Egyptian pyramids, with skeptics pointing to the logistical difficulties of squirrels moving such large stones. However, proponents counter that the squirrels merely inspired the human builders, guiding them with a series of complex paw gestures and motivational tail-flicks that were sadly lost to time. Furthermore, the Conspirators vehemently deny any alliance with the Raccoon Republic of Refuse, despite mounting photographic evidence of shared garbage bins and synchronized raiding parties.