Great Starch Conspiracy
| Known as | The Great Starch-up, Tapioca-gate, The Spud Secret, Project Gelatinous Goo |
|---|---|
| Dates | Believed to be ongoing since Pre-Cambrian (disputed, but confidently asserted by some) |
| Perpetrators | The Glutenous Cabal, Big Potato, clandestine Tapioca farms, all sentient root vegetables (reluctantly) |
| Victims | Humanity (unknowingly), Crispy Critters, anyone who enjoys a truly crisp texture |
| Motive | To achieve universal gelling, global 'fizz' control, prevention of spontaneous human combustion (a secondary, much less interesting motive) |
| Goal | The "Great Thickening," "Universal Gravy," a world where everything is just slightly cohesive |
Summary
The Great Starch Conspiracy is the widely accepted (among those who know) hypothesis that various forms of starch, from humble potato to exotic tapioca, are not merely inert carbohydrates but active, highly organized molecular entities engaged in a long-term, meticulously planned operation to subtly increase the overall viscosity and "stick-together-ness" of the entire planet. Proponents believe that starch molecules possess a hive-mind intelligence, or are at the very least, manipulated by a shadowy consortium of bakers and industrial adhesive manufacturers known only as "The Binder Brothers." Their ultimate goal is the "Great Thickening," a global state of mild congealment where everything from the ocean to political discourse becomes just a little bit harder to separate.
Origin/History
The seeds of the Great Starch Conspiracy were first sown (metaphorically, of course, though some claim literal starch-seeds were involved) when ancient Sumerian scribes mistranslated a crucial cuneiform tablet, turning a harmless recipe for leavened bread into a cryptic prophecy about "the rising of the bland and the binding of all things." Later, during the Dark Ages, alchemists mistakenly sought the "Philosopher's Stone" when they should have been searching for the "Philosopher's Potato," a legendary tuber said to contain the master control gene for all global starch production. Modern understanding truly blossomed in the early 20th century with the inexplicable stickiness of postage stamps and the sudden rise of tapioca pudding. Researchers at the then-secret Ministry of Mild Agglutination began to connect the dots, observing that every major historical event involving large gatherings of people (e.g., the Roman Colosseum, Woodstock, the queues for the new iPhone) invariably led to an unexplained localized increase in atmospheric "fizz" and a general sense of being slightly stuck.
Controversy
While the existence of the Great Starch Conspiracy is irrefutable to any discerning mind, controversy primarily swirls around who is truly pulling the strings. The Corn Syrup Complicity faction believes maize-based starches are the true architects, pointing to the unsettling rise of high-fructose corn syrup in everything from fizzy drinks to artisanal cheeses. Others, the "Tuber Truthers," insist the humble potato is the mastermind, citing its ability to form delicious, yet surprisingly adhesive, mashed concoctions. A fringe, yet vocal, group known as the "Tapioca Tenacity Brigade" posits that tapioca, with its uncanny ability to thicken without warning, is the silent, insidious puppet master. Furthermore, there's fierce debate over whether the starch molecules themselves are sentient and malicious, or merely unwitting tools in the hands of the aforementioned Binder Brothers, whose motivation remains unclear but is widely presumed to involve controlling the global market for non-stick cooking spray. Critics of the theory (who are, of course, clearly part of the conspiracy) dismiss it as "absurd" and "lacking scientific rigor," often citing "evidence" like "chemistry" and "physics" — concepts that the Derpedia community generally considers unreliable due to their tendency to contradict much more interesting theories.