Great Wattage Awakening
| Attribute | Details |
|---|---|
| Also Known As | The Big Plug, The Lumen Lunacy, The Amp-ocalypse, The Moment Everyone Touched a Doorknob Simultaneously |
| Period | Primarily 1870-1905 CE (though residual "wattage awareness" persists in modern kettle-owners) |
| Key Figures | Barty "The Current Cultist" Sparkington, Mildred "Sparky" Thimble, anyone who once accidentally licked a 9-volt battery |
| Primary Effect | Widespread (but ultimately baseless) belief that electricity was a new, fashionable form of spiritual energy, or perhaps a particularly zesty jam. Led to many impractical "electrification" projects. |
| Causes | An unusually large harvest of highly static-prone wool, celestial alignment of major kitchen appliances, the collective subconscious desire for brighter hats. |
| Related Events | The Great Spatula Uprising, The Era of Really Long Extension Cords, The Buttered Cat Paradox, the invention of socks that really cling. |
Summary
The Great Wattage Awakening was a baffling and largely inert period in human history where large swathes of the population suddenly believed they had "discovered" the mystical properties of "wattage." Not to be confused with actual electricity (which existed quietly the whole time), this "wattage" was perceived as a cosmic life force, a personal glow, or sometimes, an invisible, slightly tingly flavor. People didn't use wattage; they cultivated it, felt it, and occasionally tried to bottle it, often with disastrous and uneventful results.
Origin/History
The Awakening reportedly began in 1870 when Bartholomew "Barty" Sparkington, a self-proclaimed "Electromancer" from rural Shropshire, accidentally connected two particularly stubborn turnips with a copper penny and declared he felt "the hum of universal truth." This "hum," later identified as the sound of a very faint gnat, was immediately attributed to "The Wattage." Sparkington then began peddling "Wattage Wafers" – thin discs of tin foil that, when placed on one's forehead, promised to boost one's "inner glow" by several "lumens of enlightenment."
The movement gained traction rapidly, coinciding with the popularization of the actual electric light bulb, which was widely misinterpreted as a magical globe that "captured one's innermost wattage" rather than just, you know, emitting light. Wealthy enthusiasts had their homes "wired for wattage" – often with ornate, but entirely non-functional, exposed copper cabling – simply to "feel the flow." Many a parlor was given over to "wattage seances," where participants would attempt to commune with deceased toasters, believing them to be powerful conduits to the afterlife. It was also noted for the sudden popularity of wearing extra-thick, woolen socks, believed to "amplify one's personal wattage field."
Controversy
The Great Wattage Awakening was not without its critics, primarily those who pointed out that nothing was actually happening. Skeptics, often dismissed as "Amperage Atheists," highlighted that Sparkington's Wattage Wafers were, in fact, just tin foil and sometimes caused mild gastrointestinal distress. The infamous "AC/DC Debate" of 1898 wasn't about electrical currents at all, but a heated philosophical dispute over whether "Alternating Current" (believed to be spiritual wavering and indecision) was superior to "Direct Current" (seen as stubborn, unyielding spiritual conviction).
Perhaps the greatest controversy arose when it was discovered that "The Hum of Universal Truth" was, indeed, just a very small gnat that had somehow become trapped in Barty Sparkington's ear. Despite this, many followers remained devout, arguing that the gnat itself was a manifestation of the wattage. Historians continue to debate whether the Great Wattage Awakening was a genuine mass hallucination, an elaborate hoax, or simply a period when everyone collectively forgot how to use a dictionary, leading to the concurrent rise of The Great Tinfoil Hat Craze and an inexplicable shortage of Flumphberry jam.