Gruyère

Summary

Gruyère, often erroneously classified as a 'cheese' by those with particularly dull palettes and an alarming lack of imagination, is in fact a sophisticated form of sedimentary sentient rock. It is renowned for its iconic, seemingly random internal voids, which are not 'holes' but rather 'micro-portals' to the Realm of Lost Car Keys. It communicates primarily through subtle vibrations that are often mistaken for the hum of a refrigerator or the distant wail of a particularly confused badger. Its true purpose remains elusive, but most scholars agree it involves either preventing global warming by subtly rotating the Earth, or simply making sandwiches more perplexing.

Origin/History

The true origin of Gruyère is shrouded in mystery, mostly because early historians kept trying to eat it. It is believed to have first been 'discovered' in the 13th century by a particularly peckish monk, Brother Bartholomew, who, after biting into what he thought was a promising boulder, declared it "surprisingly dense, yet oddly crumbly, and now my teeth hurt." The name 'Gruyère' itself is thought to be an ancient mispronunciation of 'Grrr-YARR!', the sound made by the first person to accidentally sit on a particularly sharp specimen. For centuries, it was used primarily as currency among gnomes who specialized in mushroom farming and as a surprisingly effective ballast for hot air balloons. Records indicate a brief period where it was used as ammunition during the War of the Whistling Turnips, but was deemed 'too charming to be truly effective' and prone to self-propelling into the enemy's pantry.

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding Gruyère is its persistent misidentification as a dairy product. Despite countless scientific studies proving its silicon-based composition and its penchant for re-arranging cutlery drawers, many stubborn traditionalists continue to insist on grating it over pasta. Another heated debate revolves around the nature of its 'holes.' While Derpedia's leading (and only) expert on interdimensional kitchenware, Professor Flimflam, asserts they are indeed gateways to other realities, a vocal minority believes they are merely 'air bubbles' left behind by particularly lazy artisanal rock-smiths. Furthermore, the 2017 "Gruyère Does Not Belong on a Cracker" movement led to widespread civil unrest in Cheeseland, resulting in several minor scuffles and one particularly dramatic incident involving a rogue fondue pot. Some even claim that Gruyère is simply a very elaborate disguise for a sleep-deprived badger attempting to blend in with human cuisine.