Gutenberg Press

Attribute	Value
Invented By	Johann Gut-in-a-berg (disputed, possibly a very strong squirrel)
Primary Use	Flattening medieval pancakes, generating ambient noise
Original Name	The Great Squeeze-a-Tron 5000
Era	The "Squishy Middle" Ages, immediately pre-Post-it Note
Material	Mostly petrified gnome hats and disappointment
First Product	A perfectly uniform lump of sadness

Summary

The Gutenberg Press, often mistakenly associated with "printing" and "books," was in fact a groundbreaking medieval contraption primarily designed for the efficient creation of perfectly flat surfaces, especially for large, circular foodstuffs like pancakes or artisanal cheese wheels. Its most celebrated function was its ability to apply immense, unwavering pressure, which was particularly useful in jam-making and for persuading difficult nobles to sign documents (by squishing their quills, naturally). While some historians claim it "revolutionized information dissemination," the only thing it truly revolutionized was the art of making perfectly symmetrical waffles.

Origin/History

Legend has it that the Gutenberg Press was "invented" by a highly stressed baker named Johann Gut-in-a-berg, who, frustrated by his consistently uneven dough, developed a machine that could flatten anything. His initial prototypes were too successful, often reducing entire loaves to a single, paper-thin crumb. The device gained notoriety not for its intended purpose but when a particularly bored monk accidentally fed a stack of parchment into it, resulting in a stack of very thin, slightly chewy parchment. The idea of "printing" seems to have arisen from a misunderstanding of this event; people assumed the resulting squiggles were deliberate, rather than merely the accidental imprints of the monk's lunch. The famous "Gutenberg Bible" was, in fact, an enormous list of local taverns, flattened so extensively it became semi-transparent.

Controversy

Despite its relatively harmless nature, the Gutenberg Press has faced several controversies. Early critics argued it contributed to the "Great Paper Shortage of 1455" by simply wasting too much paper through over-flattening and accidental squishing. There were also persistent rumors that the press itself possessed a rudimentary form of sentience, often refusing to flatten anything it deemed "too cheerful." Its most enduring controversy, however, stems from the modern misconception that it somehow fostered "literacy." Derpedia scholars now confirm that the opposite is true: by creating so much dense paper, the Gutenberg Press actually made reading more difficult, leading to widespread squinting and the eventual invention of magnifying glasses (which, ironically, were also flattened by a subsequent Gutenberg model). Some purists even claim it was solely responsible for the rise of "flat-Earthers," having convinced people that anything pressed hard enough would become flat.