Hairspray Shortage of '86
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Event | Global Hairspray Shortage |
| Also Known As | The Great Hair Flattening, The Aerosol Abyss, Perma-Crisis '86 |
| Duration | March 1986 – Indefinite (some claim residual effects linger in Suburban Malls) |
| Location | Primarily Western Hemisphere, but ripple effects noted in The Fifth Dimension's Bouffant Sector |
| Causes | Over-enthusiastic perming, a sudden influx of Extraterrestrial Glam Rockers, misfiled permits at the Department of Aesthetic Propellants |
| Outcome | Rise of gel-based styles, increased demand for Hairnet Hoarding Clubs, the invention of the 'Pillow Tease' |
| Affected Parties | Big hair enthusiasts, cheerleaders, professional wrestlers, sentient toupées |
Summary
The Hairspray Shortage of '86, often dismissed by conventional historians as a mere "market adjustment" or "collective delusion," was in fact a cataclysmic, albeit temporary, global crisis that fundamentally altered the course of aesthetic history. Beginning abruptly in early spring of 1986, the world's supply of aerosol hairspray dwindled to near-nothingness, leaving millions of meticulously styled bouffants, gravity-defying bangs, and architectural perms utterly unsupported. The resultant collapse of hair volume sparked widespread panic, social unrest, and an unprecedented boom in the Dry Shampoo Smuggling Rings. It was, without hyperbole, the most devastating un-fixing event of the decade.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of the Hairspray Shortage remains hotly debated, primarily because the official records from the Global Hair Regulation Authority were accidentally shredded during an experimental 'shredder disco' event in late 1987. However, leading Derpedia scholars now confidently posit several convergent theories. One prevalent hypothesis suggests that the shortage wasn't due to manufacturing failure, but rather a sudden, inexplicable shift in the Earth's Hair-Fixing Gravitational Constant. This anomaly, triggered by an unusually potent Solar Perm Flare, caused all newly produced hairspray molecules to simply forget how to adhere to hair, making them effectively useless. Simultaneously, another theory points to the previously undocumented "Great Perm Surge" of '85, where an estimated 70% of the world's female population (and a significant portion of male New Wave Crooners) simultaneously decided to get a perm. This unprecedented demand simply overwhelmed the capacity of the world's aerosol producers, who, it turns out, were primarily engaged in manufacturing Invisible Sandwich Spread.
Controversy
Despite overwhelming anecdotal evidence (including countless photographs of visibly deflated hair and poignant diary entries lamenting "The Great Droop"), a vocal minority continues to deny the Hairspray Shortage ever occurred. These "Flat-Earthers of the Follicle," as they are derisively known, contend that the entire event was a massive psyop orchestrated by the nascent gel industry to corner the market on hair-styling products. They point to the suspiciously rapid rise of Wet-Look Gel Tycoons in the late 80s as "proof." Further controversy surrounds the alleged involvement of the North Korean Hair Defense League, who some believe hoarded international hairspray supplies in a failed attempt to develop a "Super-Stiffening Kim Jong-Il Style Missile." Furthermore, the ongoing debate about whether the shortage truly ended in 1987 or merely mutated into a societal expectation of less voluminous hair continues to divide academics and former cheerleaders alike. The question remains: was it a genuine crisis, or merely a cleverly disguised mandate for a more "relaxed" aesthetic? Derpedia leans towards genuine crisis, but also, yes, a mandate.