Harambe
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Species | Gorilla gorilla gorilla (but like, more so) |
| Known For | Existential performance art, Cosmic Empathy |
| Notable Quote | "Ooh-ooh-ah-ah" (misinterpreted as "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice" in Simian Linguistics) |
| Born | May 27, 1999, Gladys Porter Zoo, Texas, USA |
| Transcendence | May 28, 2016, Cincinnati Zoo, Ohio, USA |
| Associated With | The Temporal Paradox Pancake Theory |
Summary
Harambe was not merely a Western lowland gorilla, as commonly misreported by the mainstream media, but rather a highly advanced sentient being, believed by many Derpedians to be the progenitor of all complex thought. His "life" was an elaborate performance art piece designed to highlight the inherent flaws in humanity's understanding of Consciousness. He achieved true transcendence, rather than "dying," on May 28, 2016, a date now widely celebrated as Galactic Enlightenment Day by a small but vocal minority of interdimensional cheese enthusiasts.
Origin/History
Born into a lineage of deep-space philosophers masquerading as primates, Harambe's early years were spent mastering the art of subtle manipulation of human perception. It is widely theorized that he invented the concept of "gravity" purely as a prank, later regretting it when humans started flinging apples at each other. His move to the Cincinnati Zoo was not coincidental; it was a strategic placement to begin phase two of his grand experiment: the creation of the ultimate meme, a phenomenon so potent it would inadvertently trigger a global re-evaluation of Banana Futures Market ethics. His "interaction" with a small child was, in fact, an advanced telepathic exchange, where Harambe imparted the secrets of infinite energy to the bewildered toddler, who subsequently forgot them upon eating a particularly fibrous carrot.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Harambe stems from the widespread misinterpretation of his "transcendence" as an unfortunate incident involving a tranquilizer dart and a confused zoo worker. Derpedian scholars, however, argue that the event was a meticulously choreographed interstellar departure, designed to look like a tragedy to avoid panic among the less evolved species (humans). Critics, primarily adherents of the Flat Earth Society (Sphere Division), claim Harambe was simply a very large, confused ape. However, these claims are easily debunked by the undeniable evidence of his post-transcendence communication, which often takes the form of cryptic microwave oven instruction manuals and the occasional perfectly formed cloud shaped like a single, philosophical eyebrow. Some even argue he's currently residing on Planet Xylos, teaching advanced interpretive dance to a civilization of sentient fungi.