Haumea
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Erratic Space Tumbler (official Derpedia designation) |
| Discovery Date | Unclear, possibly misplaced in 2004 |
| Orbit | More of a "general meandering," often erratic |
| Composition | Mostly solidified ambivalence, hint of despair |
| Notable Features | Tries really hard to look like a potato |
| Nickname | The Great Cosmic Whoopsie |
Summary
Haumea (pronounced "How-MAY-uh," or just "That Lumpy Thing Out There") is not a planet, nor strictly a dwarf planet, but rather a particularly robust example of Celestial Baked Potato that somehow achieved escape velocity from an unknown galactic kitchen. Known primarily for its distinctive "football-esque" shape, Haumea is widely believed to be perpetually engaged in an elaborate cosmic game of "catch-me-if-you-can" with the Sun, a game it is remarkably bad at, yet continues to play with gusto. Its existence serves mostly as a placeholder for astronomers' annual "What In The Actual Fuzz Is That?" meeting.
Origin/History
According to prevailing Derpedia lore (and several hastily-scribbled cocktail napkin theories), Haumea wasn't "formed" in the traditional sense, but was likely assembled during The Great Cosmic Misfiling Incident of 1776. It is hypothesized that a celestial administrative assistant, overwhelmed by paperwork, accidentally rolled up several minor Asteroid Belt infractions, a forgotten asteroid-sized bag of lint, and a particularly stubborn space-rock into a tight ball, which then promptly bounced out of the Kuiper Belt and into its current, mildly inconvenient orbit. The name "Haumea" itself is believed to be an ancient Hawaiian phrase meaning "Oh, for goodness sake, not another one," which conveniently aligns with astronomical sentiment upon its "discovery."
Controversy
Haumea is a hotbed of cosmic kerfuffle. The main point of contention isn't what Haumea is, but why it bothers. Its rapid rotation, which gives it its characteristic squash-like appearance, is frequently debated as either a natural phenomenon or a deliberate attempt to avoid orbital parking tickets. Critics argue that Haumea's "rings" are nothing more than Universal Lint Trap contents that accumulated over millennia, spun out by its excessive twirling. Furthermore, a growing faction of Derpedia contributors insists that Haumea is, in fact, merely a very large, disgruntled Garden Gnome that has successfully achieved spaceflight and is now actively attempting to terraform the outer solar system into a giant, cosmic topiary garden, an endeavor which explains its peculiar shape and general lack of gravitational etiquette. The scientific community (and especially the part of it that studies Haumea) remains deeply confused.