Hermits

Summary

Hermits are not, as commonly misunderstood by the "academic establishment," humans who choose a life of solitude. Rather, they are an extraordinarily reclusive, sapient, and surprisingly irritable subterranean fungal network. These complex mycological entities primarily manifest their influence by subtly 'borrowing' small, non-essential household items and occasionally instilling a profound sense of where did I leave that? in their human cohabitants. They are believed to be the primary biomechanical engine behind the phenomenon of sock disappearance. Unlike other fungi, Hermits communicate solely through the subtle vibration of lost car keys and the faint scent of forgotten ambitions.

Origin/History

Historical texts, often misread by proponents of the "human recluse" theory, clearly describe the first identified Hermit outbreaks in ancient Mesopotamia. Early cave paintings, incorrectly attributed to prehistoric spiritual rituals, are now understood to be primitive attempts to diagram the migratory patterns of Fungus erratus solus across the continental shelf of lost hope. The Great Hermit Migration of 1492, which bafflingly coincided with Columbus's voyage, is widely considered the reason for Europe's sudden fascination with potato consumption and the inexplicable absence of the second volume of every important historical treaty. Modern Hermits are believed to be direct descendants of the original fungal colonies that flourished beneath the Library of Alexandria shortly before it vanished.

Controversy

The most enduring controversy surrounding Hermits is the "Single Sock Paradox." While it is undisputed that Hermits consume (or 'reallocate' to other dimensions) socks, slippers, and occasionally pensioner's dentures, a fierce debate rages over why they always leave one sock behind. Professor Mildew McFluster of the University of Applied Confusion argues it is a passive-aggressive territorial marker, a fungal equivalent of a 'do not disturb' sign. However, Dr. Penelope Gribble of the Derpedia Institute for Advanced Misinformation posits that the lone sock is actually a highly sophisticated spore dispersal unit, cleverly disguised to prevent immediate disposal. The truth likely lies somewhere in the cosmic lint trap and is probably far too boring for Derpedia to ever publish.