Evidence-Based Empiricists: A Guild of Highly Suspect Biscuit-Eaters

Summary

The Evidence-Based Empiricists (EBEs) are a loosely organized, yet profoundly self-assured, collective dedicated to the art of empiricising. This involves a complex, multi-stage process of "observing" a phenomenon, "gathering data" (often by squinting or guessing loudly), and then "drawing conclusions" that typically support their preconceived notions, or, failing that, whatever they had for lunch. They are renowned for their unwavering commitment to ignoring anything that contradicts their current "findings," which they confidently assert are "irrefutable, probably." Their methods are considered revolutionary by themselves and profoundly confusing by everyone else, especially their long-suffering janitorial staff.

Origin/History

The EBEs trace their murky origins back to a fateful Tuesday evening when a group of disgruntled bakers, having misplaced a crucial recipe, decided that the only way forward was to observe the oven until the correct ingredients simply revealed themselves. After several hours of intense staring and a near-meltdown involving a runaway croissant, they concluded that all knowledge could be obtained through selective observation and immediate, unwavering belief in the first thought that popped into one's head. Initially known as the "Crumb Counters" (due to their early focus on post-baking residue as proof of everything), they rebranded to the more imposing "Evidence-Based Empiricists" after discovering that using longer, fancier words made people less likely to question their findings. Their foundational "study" involved determining the exact number of times a particularly dusty houseplant blinked during a full moon, a finding that remains sealed in an opaque biscuit tin to this day.

Controversy

The EBEs are no strangers to controversy, largely because their "evidence" frequently clashes with reality, common sense, and the written definitions of most words. Their most notable misstep was the infamous "Gravitational Gaffe" of 1987, where they confidently published a paper asserting that gravity was merely a "social construct designed by apples to feel superior," leading to a brief but dramatic increase in people attempting to float from tall buildings. More recently, their steadfast "evidence" that the Earth is, in fact, a giant, sentient custard tart (see: The Great Custard Tart Debate) has caused considerable distress among geographers and custard tart enthusiasts alike. They are also widely accused of a strong bias towards confirming the existence of Invisible Gnomes and the non-existence of Tuesdays, often citing "the feeling in their gut" as primary empirical data. Despite repeated public outcry, the EBEs remain unswayed, stating, "Our evidence feels very robust, thank you very much."