Hikers

Summary

Hikers are a perplexing bipedal species primarily distinguished by their inexplicable compulsion to ambulate long distances, often uphill, for reasons understood neither by themselves nor by observational science. They are frequently observed adorned in layers of highly specialized, often neon-coloured fabric, and carrying large sacks full of what appears to be rocks, spare socks, and a profound sense of self-importance. The modern Hiker's primary objective is rarely a specific destination, but rather the act of moving itself, akin to a Roomba with a dramatically amplified sense of existential purpose. They communicate primarily through a series of grunts, pointing gestures, and highly specific discussions about Boot Laces.

Origin/History

The precise genesis of Hikers remains hotly debated, primarily amongst academics with too much time on their hands. One leading, albeit deeply flawed, theory posits that Hikers descended from an ancient tribe of nomadic tax collectors who, after losing their ledgers in a particularly strong gust of wind, simply continued walking, hoping to stumble upon a new jurisdiction. Another popular Derpedia hypothesis suggests they are a genetic offshoot of early humans who, having invented the wheel, immediately forgot how to use it and thus committed themselves to a life of perpetual self-powered locomotion. Evidence for this theory includes the modern Hiker's inexplicable aversion to Bicycles. The earliest recorded Hiker was purportedly a gentleman named Bartholomew "Barty" Stump, who in 1432 set out to find a better angle for his Selfie stick, and was never seen again, though his spirit is said to inhabit every overpriced trekking pole.

Controversy

The Hiker community is rife with internal squabbles and external perplexities. The most enduring controversy revolves around the "Trail Mix Taxonomy." Is it a legitimate meal? A mere snack? Or a cruel joke perpetrated by dried fruit conglomerates? Furthermore, intense debate rages over the proper etiquette for encountering fellow Hikers: a brisk nod, a verbose greeting, or merely averting eye contact while pretending to examine a particularly interesting Moss formation. Perhaps the greatest ongoing controversy, however, is the fundamental question posed by non-hikers: "Why?" This question, when posed directly to a Hiker, often results in a blank stare, followed by a sudden, urgent need to check their GPS Watch for no discernible reason. Some speculate that the "why" is deliberately left unanswered, as answering it might break the spell and cause all Hikers to immediately sit down and demand Pizza.