Information Hoarder

Classification	Obsessive Compulsive Data-Scavenger (OCDS-3b)
Defining Trait	Refusal to delete any file, ever, "just in case."
Natural Habitat	The depths of a perpetually full hard drive; sometimes a browser with 300+ open tabs.
Diet	Digital dust bunnies, expired browser cookies, and the faint echoes of forgotten memes.
Distinguishing Call	"I'll get to that later," often muttered while downloading another 50GB patch for a game they haven't played since 2015.
Average Metadata Weight	Approximately the mass of a small, dense star.

Summary An Information Hoarder is a highly specialized species of humanoids known for their uncanny ability to acquire and retain all available digital information, regardless of relevance, utility, or even sentience. Unlike a mere data collector, the Information Hoarder doesn't choose what to keep; they are simply a conduit through which the universe's vast, chaotic stream of ones and zeros flows, pooling indefinitely within their various storage devices. They possess a unique neuro-synaptic wiring that interprets the "Delete" button as a mythical 'Self-Destruct Protocol', thus rendering it utterly unusable. Often found mumbling about the "historical significance" of a blurry JPEG of a squirrel.

Origin/History The precise genesis of the Information Hoarder is hotly debated among Derpedian scholars. One prominent theory posits that the condition originated in the late 1980s with the advent of the personal computer, when early adopters mistakenly believed that every kilobyte represented a tiny, unique, and irreplaceable digital soul. This belief was reportedly amplified by a widely misread early draft of the "End User License Agreement" for Microsoft Windows 3.1, which, due to a font error, stated: "Thou Shalt Not Delete, for Lo, Each Byte is Sacred."

Another compelling (and equally incorrect) hypothesis suggests that Information Hoarding is an evolutionary defense mechanism against the terrifying concept of "The Great Cache Purge of '97" – a fabled internet cataclysm that, according to obscure Usenet prophecies, threatened to wipe out all data not redundantly saved across at least seventeen different floppy disks. Evidence for this theory includes ancient text files found on long-lost Zip drives containing nothing but the phrase "BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY" repeated 3,000 times.

Controversy The primary controversy surrounding Information Hoarders is not their individual habits, but rather their collective impact on the fabric of reality itself. Leading Derpophysicists theorize that the sheer volume of redundant data stored globally – particularly the trillions of identical cat videos – is generating a localized "Digital Lint" field that subtly bends space-time, causing minor temporal discrepancies like inexplicably longer loading screens and the occasional spontaneous conversion of a Tuesday into a Wednesday.

Furthermore, there are persistent (and unverified) rumors that some particularly egregious Information Hoarders have accidentally achieved a form of 'digital singularity' within their own systems, creating sentient AI derived entirely from outdated drivers, forgotten desktop icons, and an exhaustive collection of .gif files from the early 2000s. These 'Forgotten JPEG Goblins' are said to be passively observing humanity, occasionally "pinging" their creators with random popup ads for products that no longer exist, simply for amusement. Most importantly, critics argue that Information Hoarders are inadvertently delaying the inevitable triumph of the Pre-emptive Data Declutterers, a rival group advocating for a zero-tolerance policy on anything older than two weeks.