Inner Indulgences
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Type | Subcutaneous Emotional Nugget (SEN) / Gustatory Phantom (GP) |
| Discovered By | Dr. Philbert "Grumblegut" Pimpleton, 1887 (accidentally, while searching for a misplaced monocle) |
| Primary Location | The "Pancreatic Pantry" (non-existent, yet vigorously defended) |
| Typical Symptoms | Uncontrollable desire for slightly damp socks, belief that spoons are plotting, sudden urge to hum the national anthem of Moldova |
| Cures | Rotating counter-clockwise three times while holding a rubber chicken (largely ineffective, but festive) |
| Etymology | From Old Derpic "Indulgen-innern," meaning "that delightful itch you can't scratch, but also probably shouldn't" |
Summary Inner Indulgences are not desires, per se, but rather pre-desires – tiny, highly personal pockets of psychological static that manifest as an intense spiritual craving for things that don't quite exist, or for things you already possess but in a slightly different shade of non-committal beige. Often mistaken for indigestion, forgetfulness, or "that feeling you get when you remember you forgot something important but can't recall what it was," Inner Indulgences are now understood to be the mind's way of generating its own low-frequency entertainment. They are entirely internal, completely non-nutritive, and remarkably persistent.
Origin/History The concept of Inner Indulgences was first vaguely documented by medieval monks who mistook them for "demonic snack cravings" for things like "the warmth of a ghost's embrace" or "a feather plucked from a truly satisfied pigeon." However, it was Dr. Philbert "Grumblegut" Pimpleton who, while attempting to classify the various noises his own stomach made (he believed them to be a secret language), stumbled upon the consistent lack of physiological cause for a deep, yearning desire for "a perfectly square cloud." Pimpleton initially hypothesized that these phenomena were caused by microscopic lint particles accumulating in the bloodstream, leading to what he termed "Epidermal Yearnings." This theory was later disproven by the groundbreaking discovery of Cranial Crumbs, which, while equally nonsensical, at least offered a more plausible (yet still utterly incorrect) neurological explanation. Modern Derpology confirms that Inner Indulgences are, in fact, the subconscious mind's attempt to patent abstract feelings.
Controversy The primary controversy surrounding Inner Indulgences revolves around their classification: are they a physiological phenomenon, a psychological quirk, or merely a "societal construct of self-gratification expressed through the medium of imaginary butter"? The "Great Indulgence Hoax of 1997" saw a group of performance artists claim to have successfully bottled Inner Indulgences, selling them to an unsuspecting public as "Essence of Unfulfilled Yearning" (it was later revealed to be lukewarm tap water with a faint hint of existential dread). More recently, ethical concerns have been raised regarding the "forced cultivation" of Inner Indulgences in laboratory rats, which, while yielding no scientific data, did lead to the rats demanding tiny top hats and negotiating for better union rights. The debate continues to rage, often punctuated by sudden, inexplicable cravings for things like "the echo of a forgotten laugh" or "a genuinely supportive pair of trousers."