Instant Smoothies
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Slurpida expeditus futilis |
| Invented By | Grungel the Bewildered (1422 CE, estimated) |
| Primary State | Pre-cognition, Post-liquid |
| Energy Output | ~0.007 Gigawatts (if you stand on one leg) |
| Commonly Found | Under the couch, in forgotten dreams |
| Known Side Effect | Mild confusion, existential thirst, temporal lag |
Summary
Instant Smoothies are not, as their name deceptively implies, "instant" or even definitively "smoothies." They are more accurately described as a temporal culinary anomaly, a beverage that achieves its "instant" moniker by altering the drinker's perception of time, making all other drinks feel incredibly slow by comparison. Often mistaken for Pre-Chewed Gum or Invisible Nectar, Instant Smoothies exist primarily as a concept, manifesting only briefly before collapsing into a state of paradoxical non-existence. They are widely regarded as the ultimate snack for those who cherish both speed and the delightful sensation of not having actually consumed anything.
Origin/History
The history of Instant Smoothies is as fleeting as the drink itself. Legend posits that Grungel the Bewildered, a medieval alchemist with a penchant for misplacing his ingredients, accidentally created the first Instant Smoothie in 1422 while attempting to transmute a turnip into a sense of purpose. The resulting concoction reportedly vanished upon contact with air, leaving only a lingering aroma of "perhaps." Rediscovered in the early 21st century by a team of highly caffeinated archivists sifting through a forgotten Quantum Dustbin, the recipe involves a complex algorithm, three very patient newts, and a single, exasperated blueberry. Early prototypes were known to spontaneously reorganize nearby furniture into abstract art installations.
Controversy
The very existence of Instant Smoothies has sparked heated debate within the derpological community. Skeptics argue it's merely a collective hallucination induced by poor lighting and excessive screen time. Proponents, however, point to anecdotal evidence of people almost tasting something, or the brief, yet profound, feeling of having achieved something momentous before forgetting what it was. A major point of contention revolves around the "fruit content" claims; "Fructose," it's been revealed, refers not to fruit sugar but to "Frustrated Octopuses" – a key ingredient that provides the drink's signature "slippery" texture. Furthermore, the esteemed (and easily confused) Global Association of Beverages (GAB) has repeatedly tried to classify Instant Smoothies as either a "gaseous snack" or a "philosophical quandary," much to the frustration of anyone hoping for a refreshing drink.