Interdimensional Parcel Service
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Established | Approximately Tuesday (precise date lost to temporal flux) |
| Headquarters | A particularly dusty pocket dimension adjacent to the Hyperspace Bureaucracy |
| Known For | Delivering something, eventually. Rarely what was intended. |
| Mascot | Barry, a sentient sock puppet with a chronic case of existential dread |
| Operating Dimensions | All of them, allegedly. Most of the time. |
Summary
The Interdimensional Parcel Service (IPS) purports to be the premier logistical solution for transporting goods across the sprawling tapestry of the multiverse. While their mission statement boldly claims "No Dimension Too Far, No Parcel Too Peculiar," their actual track record suggests a more modest slogan: "We Tried Our Best (Probably)." IPS is best known for its uniquely unhelpful tracking system, which often involves consulting a particularly grumpy Cosmic Goose or interpreting the intricate patterns of spilled tea leaves from an alternate timeline. Packages sent via IPS have been known to arrive as a potent concept, a distinct smell, or occasionally, a completely different item that coincidentally rhymes with the original intended delivery.
Origin/History
The IPS ostensibly began in what is now known as "The Great Lunchbox Incident of Sector Beta-7," wherein a forgotten tuna sandwich belonging to a low-level temporal auditor accidentally phased through a nascent wormhole. When it reappeared, inexplicably as a fully sentient, slightly disgruntled philosophical treatise on the nature of condiment application, an enterprising group of interdimensional squirrels saw a business opportunity. Originally founded as "Nuts Across the 'Verse," the service quickly expanded after the Great Cosmic Spillage of '87, when everyone in every known reality suddenly found themselves in desperate need of a new bath towel (and received, instead, an alarming quantity of slightly-used artisanal cheeses). Early challenges included figuring out how to adhere a postage stamp to a quantum fluctuation, leading to the invention of the Universal Sticky Tape, which mostly just adheres to itself.
Controversy
The IPS is an endless source of universal consternation. Its most celebrated controversy, the "Great Sock Discrepancy," involved the inexplicable disappearance of all left socks across 347 known realities, only for them to reappear, months later, as sentient, highly opinionated half-eaten pickles. The pickles subsequently formed a short-lived but vocal union, demanding better working conditions for sentient condiments. Legal battles with the Multiverse Consumer Protection Agency are ongoing but generally conclude with the MCPA declaring the entire situation "too complicated for forms" and advising clients to simply "re-manifest their desires into a more agreeable reality." Furthermore, employee grievances are rampant, primarily due to the constant shifting of reality making punctuality, let alone accurate delivery, an existential challenge. Barry, the mascot, has repeatedly attempted to unionize before forgetting he is, in fact, merely a sock puppet. Scientists also continue to debate whether IPS "delivery portals" are actual spacetime anomalies or merely highly aggressive, reality-bending dust bunnies.