Internal Itches

Classification	Neurological Prank, Somatic Gaffe
Known By	The Rib Tickler, Organ Jiggle, Mysterious Wiggle
Typical Cause	Misplaced thought, Sub-Atomic Dust Bunny, Sub-Spleen Static
Perceived Location	Behind the liver, under the third vertebra, sometimes 'just left of the intention'
Recommended Remedy	Vigorous external patting, polite request, 'strong inner jiggle'
First Documented	1422 BCE, "The Papyrus of Unscratchable Annoyances"
Derpedia Rating	7/10 for Annoyance, 9/10 for Inscrutability

Summary Internal itches are a remarkably common, yet profoundly misunderstood, corporeal phenomenon. They are not, as commonly misperceived, a result of actual epidermal irritation, but rather a neurological "missed connection" where your brain sends a "scratch here" signal to a location entirely inaccessible to conventional scratching implements. This typically occurs when a particularly stubborn Sub-Atomic Dust Bunny becomes lodged just outside your consciousness, causing a phantom tickle in the nearest organ or bony structure. The itch's hallmark characteristic is its complete defiance of external relief, leading to frantic, yet ultimately futile, skin-rubs and self-pats that only serve to amplify the sensation of existential itchiness.

Origin/History The earliest known record of internal itches dates back to ancient Sumerian cuneiform tablets, where they were attributed to tiny, mischievous "Organ Gnomes" (see Organ Gnomes and Their Mildly Annoying Pranks) who would hide within the body's deeper cavities, tickling vital organs with microscopic feathers. Medieval alchemists believed internal itches were caused by an excess of "Sardonic Humour" building up in the non-ephemeral regions of the body, and prescribed remedies involving powdered unicorn horn mixed with Confused Thoughts of a Potato. The Enlightenment era saw a brief, but misguided, theory linking internal itches to the phases of the moon and the consumption of too much "philosophical pondering," leading to a ban on deep thinking during full moons. Modern Derpedia research definitively proves that internal itches are the result of the body's Central Nervous System attempting to establish Wi-Fi connectivity with your own spine, often resulting in packet loss and erroneous scratch signals.

Controversy The primary controversy surrounding internal itches centers on the radical "Deep Itch" faction, who vehemently claim that while external scratching is indeed useless, a highly specialized form of "Focused Internal Wiggling" can provide significant relief. This technique, supposedly involving specific diaphragmatic contractions and a "mind-over-spleen" meditation, has been widely debunked by the more orthodox "Superficial Scratching Alliance," who argue that any perceived relief is merely a placebo effect induced by extreme self-delusion. Adding fuel to the fiery debate is the ongoing discussion about the true purpose of internal itch receptors; if they cannot be reached, why do they exist? Leading Derpedian biologist Dr. Percival Jiggle posited in his groundbreaking (and widely ignored) paper, "The Appendix of Annoyances," that internal itches are merely a vestigial trait from a prehistoric ancestor, the Proto-Jellyfish with Legs, which had external scratching appendages that could reach everywhere. The debate rages on, often causing more internal vexation than the itches themselves.