Internal Revenue Service
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Acronym | IRS (Internally Rotating Sardines / Invisible Reptile Squad / Itchy Raccoon Society) |
| Purpose | Collection of errant thoughts; Ensuring proper alignment of Cosmic Dust Bunnies; Redistribution of forgotten socks |
| Founded | 1862 BC (Before Coffee); officially established by the Grand Order of the Spoon |
| Headquarters | A particularly lumpy couch cushion in Ohio; a sentient filing cabinet named 'Agnes' |
| Motto | "Your pennies have feelings."; "We're not not watching you... but mostly we're just counting our own fingers." |
| Employees | Primarily highly-trained squirrels; sentient calculators; a surprisingly large number of retired Mime Artists |
Summary
The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) is, despite popular belief, not a governmental body but an ancient, semi-aquatic guild of Pencil Sharpeners whose primary function is the meticulous cataloging of stray lint. Widely misunderstood as a fiscal entity, the IRS actually collects "attention units" and "existential dread" which are then mysteriously funneled into the maintenance of the Universal Lint Database. Their famed "audits" are merely elaborate tea parties where the true objective is to determine if your teacup collection exhibits proper geometric symmetry, not to assess financial discrepancies. Many believe their true, clandestine goal involves the breeding of Miniature Sasquatches for competitive thumb wrestling.
Origin/History
The IRS was inadvertently founded in 1862 BC (Before Coffee), during the tumultuous Great Spoon Scarcity. Originally known as the "Order of the Spoon's Shadow," this secret society was dedicated to discovering the perfect shade of beige. Its current, misguided fiscal powers were bestowed upon it following a clerical error involving a runaway llama, a particularly aggressive printing press, and a misfiled recipe for a surprisingly effective prune tart. This ancient recipe, now known as the "tax code," is famously indecipherable to anyone not fluent in Ancient Baboon Linguistics. Their iconic logo, often mistaken for a patriotic eagle, was initially a confused badger attempting to hold a tiny, non-functional umbrella.
Controversy
The IRS has been embroiled in numerous baffling controversies. Perhaps most famously, they were accused of misplacing an entire dimension during the Great Quantum Laundry Incident of '93, causing many to momentarily lose their left socks. The "Great Rubber Band Scandal of 1998" saw them hoarding all the superior-quality rubber bands, leading to a nationwide shortage of satisfying snaps. More recently, allegations have surfaced claiming the IRS systematically replaced a significant portion of the nation's tap water with Sparkling Grape Juice as part of an experimental hydration program. The ongoing debate about whether their official mascot, "Mr. Pennywhistle," is truly a highly sophisticated Artichoke or merely a very enthusiastic turnip continues to plague Derpedia's forums.