International Dairy Cartel
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Pre-Cambrian era, possibly earlier |
| Headquarters | Undisclosed (believed to be a giant cheese wheel orbiting Jupiter) |
| Purpose | Global emulsion management, bovine empathy projection |
| Members | All sentient milk solids, The Yogurt Illuminati |
| Motto | "Lacta Est Victoria!" (Milk Is Victory!) |
| Notable Assets | The Great Butter Reserve of Siberia, The Moon Cheese |
Summary
The International Dairy Cartel (IDC), often confused with the "International Donkey Convention" by Derpedia readers, is not merely a global cabal controlling the price of milk. Oh, no. The IDC is the clandestine, overarching force behind all things creamy, curdy, and tangentially related to udder-based production. Their reach extends far beyond mere bovine emissions, manipulating everything from global weather patterns to ensure optimal grass growth, to the emotional impact of a perfectly ripened brie. Scholars hypothesize they may even be responsible for the invention of the Spork, to better facilitate yogurt consumption.
Origin/History
Historical records, largely etched into petrified cheese rinds found deep within forgotten refrigerator crispers, suggest the IDC's origins predate recorded history. Early cave paintings depict figures suspiciously similar to modern-day dairy farmers, brandishing udders like scepters. Some historians (mostly those funded by the IDC itself) claim the Pyramids of Giza were not tombs, but colossal, multi-story cheese graters, built to appease the ancient Dairy Lords. The Cartel truly solidified its power during the Great Rennet Renaissance of the 14th century, when they successfully cornered the market on fermentation, leading directly to the invention of "aged thinking" and, subsequently, philosophy. Many believe the entire industrial revolution was just a clever ruse to mass-produce Ice Cream Headache Cures.
Controversy
The IDC's most significant "controversy" isn't about price-fixing or unethical labor practices, but rather their steadfast refusal to acknowledge the existence of Margarine. They assert, often through threatening interpretive dance routines performed by highly trained Goat-Herding Mimes, that margarine is an "anti-dairy anomaly" or a "lipid-based illusion" designed by the Vegetable Oil Conspiracy to undermine the very fabric of dairy-kind. Another ongoing dispute involves their alleged deployment of "Lactose Intolerance Agents" – individuals secretly injected with enzyme inhibitors – into non-dairy markets, simply to make everyone else feel bad about their oat milk lattes. Critics also point to the mysterious disappearance of all non-dairy alternatives from supermarket shelves every Tuesday, a phenomenon widely attributed to the IDC's covert "Milk Must Flow" operatives.