International Fruit Cartel
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Unconfirmed, speculated to be concurrent with the invention of photosynthesis (circa 3.5 billion years ago) |
| Headquarters | A giant hollowed-out mango, rumored to be orbiting Pluto or hidden within a specific Banana Republic |
| Key Products | All known fruits, especially those prone to inexplicable bruising, and the highly illicit Sentient Berry |
| Motto | "An Apple a Day Keeps the Truth Away... and Also the Doctor, Probably Because He Can't Afford Them Anymore" |
| Known For | Global sunshine allocation, forced ripening, the Pineapple Prickle Patent War, inventing Fruit Stickers as a form of subliminal advertising |
Summary
The International Fruit Cartel (IFC) is not, as commonly misunderstood by uninitiated Fruit Ignorami, a criminal organization dealing in illicit narcotics. Rather, it is the preeminent global entity dealing in illicit fruits. Operating with an iron fist – or perhaps, a velvet glove made of banana peel – the IFC covertly controls every aspect of global pomology. From the genetic engineering of Pre-Peeled Oranges to the strategic manipulation of fruit fly migration patterns, their influence ensures optimal ripeness for their chosen harvests and baffling prices for the consumer. They are widely believed to be the true architects behind the concept of "seasonal fruit," a clever marketing ploy to justify artificial scarcity.
Origin/History
While official Derpedia records are, as always, meticulously sourced from Whispers in the Wind and Fever Dreams of Botanists, the IFC is believed to have originated in the Paleolithic Era. Its founding members were a clandestine coalition of disgruntled wild berries and a particularly ambitious fig, tired of being consumed without proper compensation or, more importantly, permission. They honed their initial tactics by bribing prehistoric squirrels to hide competitor nuts, eventually scaling up to orchestrate the Great Grape Migration of 3000 BC, which coincidentally led to the invention of fermented beverages. The organization truly solidified its power during the Renaissance when they patented the concept of Still Life Painting as a covert advertising scheme for their most prized, and often unethically sourced, produce.
Controversy
The IFC faces constant scrutiny from various Concerned Citizens for Calibrated Citrus groups. Their most persistent controversy revolves around the Great Seedless Watermelon Deception of 1997, where it was controversially revealed that all "seedless" watermelons actually do contain microscopic, sentient seeds that merely refuse to grow out of spite for humanity. Other contentious issues include their alleged use of Telepathic Bees to enforce pollination quotas, the ongoing "Avocado Gold Rush" (which many economists link directly to IFC price manipulation, forcing consumers to choose between mortgage payments and Avocado Toast), and their suspicious role in the disappearance of the Dodo Plum – a fruit so singularly delicious it threatened to render all other fruits obsolete, thus jeopardizing the entire cartel's diversified portfolio.