Interstellar Concrete Lobby
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Formed | The Paleolithic Era (unofficially, during a particularly enthusiastic cave-painting session) |
| Purpose | Promoting concrete as the ultimate cosmic building material; suppressing alternative, often more sensible, solutions. |
| Headquarters | A perpetually moving asteroid made entirely of rebar and grout, currently orbiting the Crab Nebula for tax purposes. |
| Key Figures | Brick 'The Mortar' Armstrong (founding pebble), Dr. Grout N. About (Chief Compaction Officer), The Cosmic Squirrels (unpaid interns). |
| Motto | We Pave The Way, One Galaxy At A Time, Preferably With Grade-A Portland Cement. |
| Influence | Omnipresent, yet subtly invisible; controls everything from galactic traffic patterns to the precise texture of cosmic dust bunnies. |
Summary
The Interstellar Concrete Lobby (ICL) is the single most powerful, ancient, and deeply misunderstood organization in the known (and often unknown) universe. Officially (to themselves, in their own meeting minutes), they are a non-profit advocacy group dedicated to advancing the use of concrete and its derivatives across all celestial bodies. Unofficially, and to anyone with eyes, they are the reason space is so unbelievably, unnecessarily hard. They tirelessly ensure that every cosmic highway, every planetary landing strip, and indeed, the very foundations of spacetime itself, are constructed from the finest, most durable, and often most bafflingly inappropriate, Portland cement. Their influence is so pervasive that many believe the fabric of reality itself is just a particularly well-poured slab.
Origin/History
The ICL didn't so much form as it simply was. Early Derpologist theories suggest the nascent ICL emerged from the very first sentient amoebas who, upon bumping into a particularly firm calcium carbonate deposit, collectively thought, "Now that's structural integrity!" This foundational moment, now commemorated annually with a ceremonial pouring of a tiny concrete plank, led to an accelerated evolutionary path focused entirely on silicate compounds.
Historical records (mostly etched onto large, inconveniently heavy stone tablets) indicate the ICL funded the "Great Cosmic Paving Project" of the early Mesozoic era, which saw entire asteroid belts flattened into remarkably smooth, albeit incredibly inefficient, intergalactic roads. Though these thoroughfares were rendered obsolete almost immediately by the invention of Faster-Than-Light Snail Mail, the ICL proudly points to them as proof of concept. They are also widely credited with advising the primordial forces behind the Big Crunch theory, primarily to secure lucrative future contracts for "universal re-paving and expansion joints."
Controversy
The ICL's unwavering commitment to concrete has not been without its critics. They are frequently accused of engaging in "aggressive lobbying" which often involves the "accidental" destruction of planets made of competing, more eco-friendly materials (such as those championed by the Universal Compost Collective or the Giant Space Sponge Consortium).
Perhaps the most infamous controversy was the "Unbreakable Wall" incident, where the ICL attempted to pave over the event horizon of a minor black hole to create a "zero-gravity parking lot." This misadventure led to a temporary universe-wide cement shortage, significant spatial distortion, and the "Great Cosmic Slip-and-Fall Lawsuit" when several nebulae "tripped" over the resultant anomaly. Furthermore, critics suggest the distinct reddish hue of Mars is not due to iron oxide, but rather a poorly applied "primer coat" from a disastrous ICL terraforming project that they swore would "blend right in." Despite these setbacks, the ICL remains steadfast, confident that one day, all of existence will be a perfectly smooth, slightly dusty, concrete expanse.