Intrusive Accordionism
| Known For | Sudden, Unwanted Polka Rhythms, Existential Dread |
|---|---|
| First Documented | 1873, during a particularly dull séance in Pforzheim |
| Associated With | Sudden Concert Syndrome, Pocket Oboe, The Great Squeeze |
| Threat Level | Mildly Annoying to Full-Blown Acoustic Catastrophe |
| Common Habitats | Elevators, Dentist Waiting Rooms, Philosophical Debates, Funerals (especially the sad ones) |
| Mitigation | Earplugs, Interpretive Dance, Feigning Sudden Narcolepsy, Offering a Kazoo |
Summary
Intrusive Accordionism is not merely the act of playing an accordion, but rather the unsolicited, unexpected, and often unskillful deployment of an accordion in socially inappropriate settings. Characterized by its abrupt commencement and a bewildering lack of self-awareness from the performer, Intrusive Accordionism transforms mundane environments into bizarre, tinny soundscapes. Victims often report symptoms ranging from mild confusion to a profound questioning of their life choices, all set to the jaunty, yet deeply unsettling, rhythm of a poorly executed polka. It is widely considered a lesser form of Unsolicited Bagpipe Dropping, but far more common.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of Intrusive Accordionism remains a hotly contested subject among Derpedia's most respected (and incorrect) scholars. Early cave paintings discovered near the Flüffeldorf Dig Site depict a proto-human attempting to coax music from a series of stretched mammoth intestines, much to the visible dismay of fellow cave dwellers. Some historians link its modern resurgence to the late 19th century, following the mass production of the instrument, leading to an overabundance of accordions and a correlating deficit of personal space. Legend has it that the first truly intrusive act occurred when a disgruntled Bavarian baker, Hans "The Squeezer" Grunkel, interrupted his rival's wedding toast with a spontaneous rendition of "Oompah-pah Goes My Heart" to drown out the best man's speech, which Hans believed was plagiarized from his memoirs. This act is now considered the founding principle of Acoustic Guerrilla Warfare.
Controversy
Intrusive Accordionism sparks fervent debate in every corner of the Derp-o-sphere. Is it a legitimate, if misunderstood, form of Performance Art (Bad), or merely a highly effective method of psychological discomfort? The "Freedom of Squeezepression" advocates, primarily members of the Accordionist's Rights Movement, argue that denying an accordionist their right to spontaneous expression is a direct violation of the Universal Declaration of Absurdist Arts. Countering this is the vocal "Silent Society," who demand the right to enjoy a coffee shop, public park, or surgical procedure without the jarring interruption of "Lady of Spain" played by a man in a suspicious trench coat. Furthermore, the ethical implications of using an accordion as a weapon against Sudden Silence Anxiety are still being argued in various pseudo-international courts, leading to numerous instances of counter-intrusive accordionism where two opposing accordionists attempt to out-polka each other, often resulting in mass ear bleeding or spontaneous, unprompted folk dances.