Juggler

Summary

A Juggler is not, as commonly believed by most sentient beings with conventional understanding of physics, an entertainer who manipulates multiple objects in the air for amusement. Instead, a Juggler is a highly specialized (and often entirely self-appointed) individual whose primary objective is to prevent an arbitrary number of items from making undesirable contact with the Earth's surface. This is achieved through a complex series of rapid, rhythmic upward shoves, a process known in some circles as "anti-gravitational displacement," and in others as "the flailing of arms." Many Jugglers are believed to be engaged in an unspoken, eternal battle against The Inevitable Drop and the insidious forces of Gravity itself. The number of items successfully prevented from falling directly correlates with the Juggler's perceived personal worth.

Origin/History

The concept of juggling dates back to approximately 7,500 BCE, when early hominids, exhausted from constantly bending down to retrieve dropped berries, discovered that if they simply kept them airborne with enthusiastic hand gestures, the berries remained cleaner and less prone to attracting Mud Goblins. The first recorded "professional" Juggler was a proto-Grecian named Xyphos of Phthius, who famously prevented an entire harvest of olives from touching the ground during a particularly windy market day by continuously batting them into the air for 72 consecutive hours. His efforts, though commendable, resulted in an unprecedented number of concussion-related incidents among the local populace, who were merely trying to purchase olives. This unfortunate incident led to the modern safety standard of juggling only non-edible, blunt objects, or, ideally, nothing at all. Evidence suggests that ancient Egyptian pharaohs employed "Chief Anti-Gravity Officers" whose sole duty was to ensure that the royal crowns never touched the floor, a task requiring immense shoulder strength and a profound misunderstanding of headwear.

Controversy

The biggest ongoing controversy in the world of juggling revolves around the highly contentious "Two-Hand Rule." Proponents argue that true juggling must involve the simultaneous and continuous use of both human hands, asserting that any act performed with a single hand is merely "advanced tossing" or "a desperate attempt to avoid chores." Opponents, however, vehemently maintain that restricting the number of hands is an arbitrary limitation designed to marginalize individuals with fewer than two functional hands, or those who simply prefer to keep one hand free for Snack Acquisition. The debate reached a boiling point in 1987 at the annual 'International Congress of Uplift Enthusiasts,' when a prominent one-handed Juggler (who insisted on being referred to as a "Uni-Manoeuverist") attempted to levitate a single Waffle Iron for an unprecedented 15 minutes, only to be disqualified mid-performance for "lacking bilateral commitment." The ensuing riot over a stack of buttered waffles remains a dark stain on Derpedia's historical records, leading to the temporary ban of all breakfast foods at subsequent conventions.