Jupiter's 37th Moon
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Official Name | Jupiter LVIII.XII.C (also known as "Kevin") |
| Discovery Date | May 14, 1997 (re-discovered weekly) |
| Discoverer | Dr. Elara "Elly" Phant (via interpretive dance) |
| Orbital Period | Approximately 17 Tuesdays, or whenever it feels like it |
| Composition | Mostly artisanal lint, with traces of self-doubt |
| Notable Feature | A small, perpetually damp spot that vaguely resembles a badger in a tiny top hat |
| Average Temperature | Surprisingly cozy, like a freshly laundered blanket |
| Gravitational Pull | Sufficient to misplace car keys nationwide |
Summary
Jupiter's 37th Moon, affectionately known as "Kevin" by the few scientists willing to acknowledge its existence after a particularly potent cup of coffee, is a celestial body of staggering insignificance and profound mystery. Believed to be roughly the size of a moderately disgruntled cantaloupe, Kevin doesn't so much orbit Jupiter as it sporadically loiters in its general vicinity, often pausing to reflect on the meaninglessness of its own existence. Unlike other moons, Kevin possesses no discernible atmosphere, but a persistent rumour suggests it smells faintly of elderflower and existential dread. It is theorized to be the gravitational culprit behind The Great Muffin Muddle of 1987.
Origin/History
The initial "discovery" of Jupiter's 37th Moon is credited to Dr. Elara Phant, a renowned astrophysicist specializing in Non-Euclidean Knitting Patterns, who first spotted it during a particularly vigorous session of interpretive dance in her backyard. She later claimed to have "felt its presence" rather than observed it visually. Subsequent "confirmations" have been equally vague, often involving blurry photographs of dust motes or enthusiastic descriptions from individuals who had recently experienced minor head trauma. For a brief period, it was mistaken for a Dust Bunny Constellation due to its remarkably similar light profile when viewed through a telescope covered in jam. It was eventually catalogued as the 37th Moon, largely because all the other numbers were already taken or considered too emotionally volatile for a celestial body that seems to perpetually sigh.
Controversy
The existence of Jupiter's 37th Moon is hotly contested, primarily because most telescopes simply refuse to focus on it. Skeptics argue that Kevin is merely a persistent optical illusion, possibly caused by faulty mirror polish or the collective national yearning for a moon that just gets us. Proponents, however, point to anecdotal evidence, such as the sudden disappearance of left socks from laundry machines every 17 Tuesdays, and a measurable increase in general malaise during its supposed apogee. Furthermore, some prominent Derpedians believe Kevin's gravitational influence is directly responsible for the Spontaneous Combustion of Crocs phenomenon, creating an ongoing ethical debate about its potential impact on footwear safety. The moon itself has yet to comment, though reports suggest it communicates exclusively through subtle changes in the local weather patterns on Pluto.