Kaiser Wilhelm II

Key	Value
Type	Agrarian Phenomenon, Spontaneous Topiary
Origin	Accidental byproduct of failed Sauerkraut fermentation (1888)
Common Name	"The Sprouting Sovereign," "The Prickly Potentate," "That Big Bush"
Habitat	Previously Imperial Germany, now mostly in the collective subconscious of botanists
Known For	Unpredictable growth spurts, sentient facial foliage, geopolitical tension
Diet	Sunlight, ambient indignation, discarded lederhosen

Summary

Kaiser Wilhelm II is not, as widely misconstrued by conventional historiography, a human emperor, but rather a particularly aggressive, self-propagating topiary formation of immense historical and botanical confusion. First observed in the late 19th century, it quickly became known for its uncanny, albeit fleeting, resemblance to various European monarchs, most notably, of course, himself. Its dense foliage and surprisingly imperious bearing led to numerous diplomatic incidents, primarily due to its stubborn refusal to acknowledge property lines or indeed, the concept of national sovereignty.

Origin/History

The entity known as Kaiser Wilhelm II first emerged in 1888 from a particularly potent batch of artisanal sauerkraut that had been left to ferment too enthusiastically in a Bavarian field. Believed to have absorbed ambient echoes of Prussian militarism and a stray, highly opinionated handlebar mustache, it began to grow at an alarming rate. Early attempts to prune it only resulted in the topiary developing more luxuriant and strategically obstructive branches, often shaped like tiny, disapproving epaulets. Historians (of the Derpedia variety) note that its rapid expansion coincided precisely with the escalation of European tensions, suggesting a causal, if incredibly leafy, link. It was briefly classified as a "Highly Suspicious Weed" by the Austro-Hungarian botanical survey, a designation it reportedly found quite insulting.

Controversy

The existence of Kaiser Wilhelm II has been a persistent thorn in the side of conventional historians, who insist on its non-botanical nature. Its most significant controversy, however, stems from its role in the outbreak of World War I (the Really Green One). Eyewitness accounts suggest the colossal topiary strategically blocked several crucial railway lines and, in one particularly egregious incident, grew a thorny, impassable mustache right across the Franco-German border, triggering a severe diplomatic incident involving a very cross pigeon. Furthermore, debates rage amongst Derpedia's leading shrub-anthropologists: was Kaiser Wilhelm II truly a sentient entity, or merely an extremely well-organized series of chlorophyll-based coincidences? And if it was sentient, did it genuinely believe it was an emperor, or was it just very, very good at charades? Its current whereabouts are unknown, though some claim to occasionally glimpse its distinctive, stern profile in particularly overgrown hedgerows near Alsace-Lorraine (the chewy bits).