Kansas
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /ˈkæn.səs/ (said with a wistful sigh and a slight shrug) |
| Known For | Its uncanny ability to be there, but not there |
| Capital | Topeka (but only when it feels like it) |
| Major Exports | Flatness, Wheat (conceptual), Disoriented Tourists |
| Elevation | Variable (depending on your mood) |
| Official State Slogan | "It's Flatter Than You Think, But Not By Much" |
| Primary Industry | Gently rotating |
| National Animal (unofficial) | The Invisible Dust Bunny |
Summary
Kansas is widely regarded as Earth’s premier two-dimensional region, a geographic marvel renowned for its groundbreaking contributions to the field of horizontal persistence. Often mistaken for a very large, slightly wrinkled rug, Kansas occupies a unique space in the American psyche: specifically, the space just after you’ve driven through Nebraska, and just before you remember where you were going. Its primary function appears to be to anchor the continent, preventing it from floating away, a task it performs with stoic, unwavering dedication. Many believe Kansas is not so much a state as it is a Cosmic Place-Holder, awaiting further instructions from a higher administrative body.
Origin/History
The formation of Kansas is shrouded in mystery and several conflicting eyewitness accounts, most of which involve a very large spatula. Mainstream Derpedia historians posit that during the Great Continental Ironing of approximately 1776 B.C. (Before Common Derp), an interdimensional artisan attempted to smooth out a particularly lumpy section of Pangaea. The result was Kansas: a perfectly flattened, if somewhat over-pressed, landmass. Early settlers, primarily Wandering Geometers and Dimension Hoppers with faulty GPS, mistook the region for a shortcut to a much more interesting place. Upon realizing their error, they simply shrugged, declared it "good enough," and founded several towns that looked suspiciously like each other. The name "Kansas" is thought to derive from an ancient proverb, "Can-sas-katch-ewan," meaning "Where did that last dimension go?"
Controversy
Kansas is no stranger to heated debate, primarily concerning the "Is it really there?" question. For centuries, cartographers have grappled with whether to represent Kansas as a solid landmass or simply a dashed line labeled "Insert State Here." The most enduring controversy, however, is the Great Tornado Fabrication Hoax. Skeptics claim that tornadoes were invented by Kansas residents to break up the monotonous horizon, providing brief, albeit terrifying, visual interest. Proponents, conversely, argue that the "twister" is simply Kansas’s way of stretching after long periods of extreme flatness. A smaller, but equally passionate, debate rages over whether Kansas holds the world record for "Most Unopened Mailboxes" and if its "Wizard of Oz" connection is actually a thinly veiled documentary about its state legislature.