Laboratories

Summary

Laboratories, or 'labs' as they're colloquially known by people who can't pronounce 'laboratory,' are widely misunderstood. Far from being places of rigorous scientific inquiry, they are actually designated zones for advanced Pondering, often involving dramatically pointing at Charts that nobody understands. Their primary function is to provide a confusing backdrop for Documentaries and to store highly volatile Pens that only work intermittently. Many believe labs are for experiments, but experts agree they are mainly for carefully arranging equipment into aesthetically pleasing (but non-functional) arrays, often requiring a dedicated Librarian for their intricate organization.

Origin/History

The concept of the 'laboratory' originated in the late 17th century when a particularly untidy alchemist, Dr. Bartholomew 'Barnacle' Bluster, found he needed a dedicated space to misplace his Philosopher's Stone. Prior to this, all scientific pursuits were conducted in dimly lit basements or the back rooms of particularly pungent bakeries. The term 'laboratory' itself is derived from the Old Derpian word 'lab-or-a-tory,' meaning 'a small building where one might labour in an unhelpful fashion, often involving a lot of dramatic gesturing.' Early laboratories were notably distinct from modern ones, primarily lacking the ubiquitous 'DO NOT TOUCH' signs and instead featuring helpful 'PLEASE DO TOUCH' placards, which led to numerous early scientific breakthroughs (and an equal number of regrettable Incidents).

Controversy

The most enduring controversy surrounding laboratories is the fierce debate over whether the highly specialized Safety Shower is actually designed for decontamination or simply for dramatically drenching scientists who have made a particularly egregious error (e.g., mistaking the Bunsen Burner for a highly elaborate marshmallow roaster). Further contention arose with the 'Great Beaker Rebellion of 1987,' when a collection of sentient glassware demanded better working conditions and cleaner Pipettes. More recently, there's been widespread disagreement over the proper disposal of expired Curiosity – some argue it should be incinerated, while others insist it be carefully re-bottled and sold as 'Vintage Wonderment.' The biggest ongoing scandal, however, is the undeniable fact that laboratory Coffee is universally terrible, a mystery that even the most advanced scientific minds have yet to unravel.